


After this, I won't hold back

by garden_of_stars



Series: A Garden of Stars [1]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Psychic Abilities, Psychic Bond, Romance, Sibling Incest, based on RP transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-24 04:45:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garden_of_stars/pseuds/garden_of_stars
Summary: It's almost enough to convince Saeran to hurt himself more, so that there's more reason to be touched like this again in the future... but for now, it's more than enough.A few years after rescuing Saeran from Mint Eye, Saeyoung is still trying to recapture the bond they once had. He finds his twin asleep, and lets the longing for closeness he's been carrying these last few years make him do something he normally wouldn't - but it backfires, pushing Saeran away from him even further.But it's not as hopeless as he fears, after all.Set after Jumin's route.If you're only here for the porn, you want Chapters 5 - 7We (the two writers for this story) enjoy exploring the twin's dynamic romantically in fiction. If you find reading fiction with incest pairings upsetting, please, do not read this story!Saeran's characterisation is based on _all_ routes in the game - including Ray's.This fic is based on an ongoing RP the two writers are doing to explore the twin's dynamic.





	1. Run away!

**Author's Note:**

> The MysMe timeline is all over the place, but for the purposes of this AU, Saeyoung left Saeran when they were about 15.
> 
> Because this is set in Jumin Route, MC never helped Saeyoung fully open up to the RFA, so they all still think of him as 'Seven' and 'Luciel'. 
> 
> It was after the first RFA party in Jumin's route that Saeran was rescued - this time with Zen's help - thanks to Zen basically forcing said help on him, haha.

**Saeyoung**

He wants to be with Saeran.

Instead, he's programming his front door AI with new greetings.

Anything to distract himself from the hollowness inside his chest. It aches like frostbite, nibbling away at his insides.

Maybe this task was a poor choice. He's so familiar with this system - he designed it himself, after all - the majority of his attention isn't required. Leaving him plenty of time to think about the ache inside.

He hasn't seen Saeran all afternoon. It's intentional - he knows his brother can feel smothered by his attention, so he's tried to artificially create bubbles of time where he leaves his twin alone. Doing his best to ignore the twisty feeling of every heartbeat when his brother isn't in his sight. The way his heart used to feel all the time, when they were separated. But somehow, it's even worse knowing his twin is within reach. But not being able to reach for him.

(God... I miss... being able to reach for him.)

Once reunited, it'd been made clear the closeness of their childhood was not something Saeran was willing to indulge again easily. Even after they managed to reconcile, Saeran shaking off the residual effects of the elixir and finding a path through his own self-destructive, hopeless urges... things were still...

It was more that they had a shaky truce, both longing for something, both unable to voice or even name it. Not able to fully relax around each other, but also unwilling to give up searching for it.

They... are getting along, more or less. But the boundaries between them are so uncertain.

(I miss him...)

It's been long enough. Half a day is plenty of space, right? Besides, he should make sure his twin has eaten something. Saeyoung moves through the rooms of the bunker, looking for Saeran.

(Ah. There.)

His brother looks so small lying under all those couch blankets.

Saeyoung keeps his voice low. "Saeran...?"

Nothing. He moves over to his brother's side and kneels.

"Saeran..." Nothing but soft breathing in response. How long had his brother been awake for until now, to sleep this deeply? Saeyoung studies his brother's face. It's his own face. But beautiful. Much more beautiful... Before he can think too hard about it, he threads his fingers through his brother's hair. It's so soft. Softer even than when they were children (or did mine just get wiry?)

He strokes his brother's hair and watches a micro expression flicker across his face.

Nothing more precious in this world. Nothing...

(Oh...)

He feels wetness running down his face. (When did that start?)

**Saeran**

It's rare for Saeran to sleep deeply, body and mind accustomed to years of nightmares and hyper vigilance. All too often he wakes up sluggish and more exhausted than before. Yet being around his brother seems to help, a reassurance on some intrinsic level that he's safe.

Whether that's true on waking is debatable. Everything is unsettling, exhausting, and yet he can't help but be drawn to his twin like a moth to a flame - and like a moth, he flits around scared to be burned but always, always attracted to the light.

It frightens him.

Saeran does not like to be frightened. Neither does the other him, the one he feels he's becoming more and more. But sometimes, when his brother looks at him so gently, he feels... needed. Like he could be someone that could face his fears and tell them: No.

Paradoxically, that disturbs him too. And so, the cycle of flitting close and then backing away continues.

As if sensing the source of his inner turmoil is near, Saeran feels his unconsciousness fade into semi-wakefulness. The world feels warm, and the soft touch on his head is sweet...

Unable to resist, he leans into it with a soft sound. His mind has yet to catch up to his body, and the body knows what it wants.

**Saeyoung**

"Mmph..." When Saeran's lips part, and his body turns towards Saeyoung, the older twin freezes for a moment, afraid of what expression he might see when his brother opens his eyes. But then, Saeran’s hands…

Semi-prone against the pile of cushions, Saeran clutches at the blanket he has pulled up around himself, as if in response the sensation of Saeyoung's fingers. Just like how they used to hold each other.

The lack of substance in the blanket sends another micro expression across his brother's face, but this one, Saeyoung catches. Needing... wanting... loneliness... Maybe Saeran feels the empty space beside him just as much as Saeyoung after all.

It's too much. Saeyoung places his glasses softly on the coffee table beside them, and then joins Saeran on the couch, lying alongside him. The blanket keeps them separated, but he can feel his brother's warmth through it almost immediately.

(Just let me have this one moment.)

(I'll say whatever I have to say afterwards. I just...)

He wraps his arms around his brother, whose body leans into his embrace just as easily as it had when they were children. The dampness on his face begins to dissipate as Saeyoung feels a warm, flushed feeling washing all over his body. (I missed this... I missed it so much...) Then Saeran shifts slightly. And. Just like they used to. Slips one of his knees between Saeyoung's legs, pressing into his body.

Saeyoung can't help but let out a gasp at the sensation. It's familiar, and reassuring, but also. Something else. A feeling that… (A-ah… what is this…?) A rush of uncertainty and guilt hits him, which just makes his face even warmer.

**Saeran**

More reason for Saeran to think this is a dream. Since this comforting feeling has only ever existed in dreams, at least since he became an adult.

Still, for now the warm press of a body against his own occupies his whole attention. He wants to be closer, wants to grab onto this little pleasure tightly and never let it go. He shifts naturally, movements instinctual. Inhaling deeply, he catches a scent of... something.

Familiar and foreign, the smell stirs a longing and resentment in Saeran that conflicts with one another, refusing to let him simply enjoy the moment. Impossible to ignore, the scent is strong and all too real. It's... cloying. Enticing.

Annoying.

Something’s wrong. Even for a dream, it's too clear an odour.

Saeran opens his eyes.

(Ah...?)

For a moment he is struck dumb by the sight of his brother's face, though he had been well aware of the presence next to him. It's... handsome, in a way Saeran can't manage.

It's also very close. He stops breathing, every nerve in his skin now on edge and electrified by the contact they share. Emotions and thoughts rush through his head, and it's all too much to deal with at once. He has to get out. He has to get away. He has to _breathe_.

Paying no attention to his brother's reaction, Saeran promptly shoves at his twin with more force than he knew he possessed and leaps off the couch – sprinting away.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung's head hits the table with a CRACK and - another sound. Something more metallic. He yelps in pain and then realises what his skull has just impacted with. Other than the table, of course.

One hand pulls out a bent pair of glasses from under the rapidly swelling bump on his head, and he sits up, wincing. (Ugh.) (I'm such a fucking idiot.) The glass seems undamaged, but the frame is busted. Saeyoung drops them back onto the table and takes on the position his brother was in before, clinging to the blankets.

(What was I thinking?)

(Neither of us were ready for that.)

Part of him wants to go after Saeran, but the guilt keeps him rooted to the couch. Guilt for pushing his brother too far and...

...guilt for how he felt his body begin to react to that closeness.

(I'm a monster. I shouldn't get close like that again. Not ever.)

(He doesn't deserve someone like me as his brother... he doesn't deserve any of this...)

**Saeran**

Saeyoung likes to keep the bunker wide and spacious, so finding a refuge is harder than it seems. Ultimately Saeran winds up in the garage. He's tempted to key one of Saeyoung's cars for a second, but does not - it would be too much of a shame. They are beautiful. Even if they’re… his.

Besides, he feels guilty. A feeling which only adds to his anxiousness. He heard how Saeyoung's head hit that table. It brings back nasty memories.

He can't go back in there though. Not yet, at least... he still needs to process what just happened. But he also needs to know if his brother is okay. Should he call? No. Too embarrassing. Too raw. Saeran's not sure how his voice would come out, if it would at all.

A text?

That... sounds doable, and before Saeran knows it he has taken out his phone and is already sending a message.

> > ...I'm sorry. Are you okay?

**Saeyoung**

He can still read without his glasses, so long as he holds his phone at the right distance. He'd get up to grab a spare pair, but his head still hurts so much, he doesn't want to move.

He taps out a response, still wincing.

> > No… I'm sorry. My fault. I won't do it again. 

He wants to say so much more. But. That was the most important part.

He'd been doing so well... he'd been giving Saeran so much space...

(I've probably pushed us back six months... he's never going to trust me at this rate...)

**Saeran**

Like most of the time when Saeyoung clearly tries to pander to Saeran when it was obviously an overreaction on Saeran's end, Saeran feels a brief flash of irritation. It's outweighed by his relief this time though, the heavy knot in his stomach coming undone just a bit...

(Good... he isn't concussed, at least.) Saeran might struggle with how he feels for his twin sometimes, but he no longer wants to cause him pain. With that settled, Saeran pockets his phone again and eyes a car. Maybe he should go for a drive... that could clear his head...

The more he thinks about the idea, the more it appeals.

Time to take one of his brother’s babies out on a joyride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry - he'll be back. And there will be angst. But also - a-actual cuddles?!


	2. Essential Playboy: Vol 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran phones home, and Seven attempts to woo him with the promise of eggs.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung stays in his depressed reverie for a brief time. But then, a blinking light on his phone catches his attention. (Another message, or...?) He picks it up.

> **[Automated alert: Jaguar-2, "Tiger" currently out of home zone over 15 minutes. Exit est 23:00]**
> 
> **[Automated alert: POI "Angel Saeran" phone signal out of home range over 10 minutes. Exit est 23:00]**

Ah. Well. Saeyoung can't blame him for taking the Jaguar. He finds it quite calming himself, listening to that engine purr... But he'd better go monitor the situation to see where his brother goes... He doesn't want to confront him right now but the fact that he's out of the house...

(What if something happens to him...?) Saeyoung heads to his work room to monitor his brother's journey over the GPS and CCTV. If anything looks awry... he'll go to him straight away

**Saeran**

This being Saeran, and an expert in keeping hidden himself, it's a rare occasion that he can be spotted on a CCTV feed. He knows where to avoid, because of course he does. Though at least he hasn't removed the tracking from the car, or his phone... a small concession.

At the very least Saeran drives better than Jumin Han, though very much an amateur. Another Believer oversaw the driving for Mint Eye after all, though Saeran learned for the rare occasion he'd need it. Saeran is thinking about none of these things though.

Instead, he's enjoying the ride. The rush of wind through his hair and pure smooth speed chasing away lingering anxieties.

(…freedom…)

**Saeyoung**

(He's avoiding me)

(Well, duh)

Saeyoung chews on the twisted frame of his broken glasses, another pair from his collection already in position on his face. On the one hand, he's tempted to send out a drone, but the car could easily outpace it, and it's one thing to passively track Saeran - another thing entirely to actively pursue him. Maybe he still would have, in a different situation.

But after what happened... (I don't have the right)

Plus.

Saeran has to choose to come home on his own. He's an adult. Saeyoung can't keep on making decisions on his behalf all the time. No matter how much he wants to. It feels like if he tried now, he'd really cement that mistake earlier into something longer lasting.

(But... it's so hard letting him go out like this.) 

So he monitors, and wallows in his faults as he watches his brother increase the distance between them. Eyes fixed on the screens, he dials each RFA member in the hope someone will pick up.

(Please. Distract me.)

**Saeran**

It's not so much the time apart from Saeyoung that does Saeran good, as the simple fresh air and freedom of the road. Usually he'd take a walk, but this... this was worth doing, at least once. Still, he can't enjoy it entirely - his thoughts keep drifting back to his twin. Wondering.

(What is he doing right now...? Does he think I've run away? Does he not care? Does he hate me because I shoved him and stole his car?)

The thoughts chill him, and he grips the steering wheel with shaking hands. Determined not to fall into old painful habits.

It's then Saeran gets a text alert on his phone, startling him enough that he almost drives the car into a bush before slamming on the breaks. (Ah - is it him?)

It's not.

It's Zen, asking what he's up to for some random reason. Saeran's mouth tastes bitter with disappointment.

This is pathetic. And moronic. Saeran is utterly tired of himself by now. Which means it's time to turn back and go home, after a quick text to Zen along the lines of 'Nothing much.'

Saeyoung probably won't be waiting up for him anyway.

**Saeyoung**

Able to reach Zen on the phone, Saeyoung has calmed down a little. He didn't want to share the exact details, but even with a vague explanation, Zen's words helped.

Zen had reminded Saeyoung gently of his motorcycle rides and how they always helped cleared his head. And reassured him that his brother couldn't possibly run away after all they'd been through! And if he did, Zen would drop everything and come find him with Saeyoung.

"Thanks, Zen. I'm really glad you were awake."

Saeyoung pictures Zen's face in the late night darkness, the light from his apartment’s vintage lighting playing off his hair, his lips as he smiled -

(God. Maybe I just need to let off steam myself. I'm clearly losing to fantasy way too easily right now.)

"Good night, Seven."

"Good night. And good morning…!" he adds, realising the clock has just ticked over midnight. "And…thank you, Zen."

And then he was alone again.

(Should I text him?)

No. He's too afraid that will just extend Saeran's absence.

So he sits.

And waits.

And watches.

**Saeran**

(Zen is such a good friend…)

Certainly well-meaning.

(…and one hell of a meddler.)

In reply to Saeran's short message, Zen spouts a wall of text which basically amounts to being understanding of Saeran's feelings but nonetheless insisting he give Saeyoung a call.

Saeran grimaces, but... nonetheless places the phone in its hands-free set-up and hits dial. He can't say what motivates him exactly, because it's certainly _not_ Zen - the hint that Saeyoung might be waiting for him? The sudden urge to hear his brother's voice?

...the need to clear the air and make this whole side trip mean something, rather than chasing himself in circles again?

Or perhaps it's the hollow in his chest that not even freedom can fill. He still can't forget how it felt to be held by his twin again.

The phone rings. And he waits, with bated breath. Ironic, seeing as he left to breathe in the first place.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung nearly drops his phone, squeaking in horror as it almost drops from his lap to the floor. He tries to calm himself before answering but he doesn't give himself enough time, afraid his brother will hang up. So it's with a shuddering breath he answers.

"S-Saeran...!" He pushes his glasses up his face, having slipped down in his panic. "Saeran... oh. I already said that." He shifts in his chair uneasily. "Saeran... oh, that’s three… are you... do you need... anything? I can be there in a flash if you... or..." he trails off, mind a mess.

**Saeran**

"Ah..." Saeran exhales slowly. Hearing his brother's voice gives him a sense of how much he's being worried over. He doesn't deserve it. "...I'm fine, I just needed to clear my head..."

Not that he succeeded. With the mess it's in, no doubt that will take time to resolve. ...yet the fact Saeyoung trusted him enough to let him go, despite worrying... let alone the fact he worried at all... it all helps. His heart feels lighter.

For the first time in a long time, it's as if…

"...I'm coming home."

**Saeyoung**

(thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god thank)

"Thank god."

(Shit.)

"Ahhhhh... I mean..." he exhales with relief "I'll see you at home, then... I'm glad..."

He pauses. He's pretty certain he didn't hear Saeran go to the kitchen all afternoon, or evening. He's probably hungry...

"I'll make you an omelette if you're hungry when you get in." (Thanks, Yoosung for the ultimate bachelor omelette how-to you posted in the chat room the other day...!) Saeyoung's still working on the whole "eating not from a bag" thing, but Saeran being home has made him want to try. Even though he really doesn't seem to have the knack for it.

He trails off to make sure he doesn't cut Saeran off by hanging up too soon... "So... see you..."

**Saeran**

Knowing full well that Saeyoung was never one to cook, a book Saeran read a long time ago suddenly comes to mind. "Trying to tame me through my stomach?" It's a rhetorical question. Though sometimes it feels like Saeyoung is overbearing with his expectations, this...

This felt nice. Almost like the dream from the couch was continuing. How many times had he wanted to come home to his brother and some decent food in the past? It's only complicated by the fact that he's not the person he was anymore, and he's not sure he can be no matter how much Saeyoung wants it.

... even so, he's greedy. He hoards Saeyoung's love, while also neglecting it.

His dependence leaves him unsettled.

"Are you trying to play house?" he follows up. It comes out harsher than he intends. "What I mean is, you don't have to go out of your way."

**Saeyoung**

W-wait. SAERAN'S READ ESSENTIAL PLAYBOY VOLUME 3?!

(I-I mean... maybe he read that idea somewhere else... ) but Saeyoung knows that book is still lying around the bunker somewhere... (HMMMMM)

If he read it -

(I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE THOUGHT OF IT SO BAD)

\- but this really isn't the time

(FOCUS.)

The thought of what his brother might have read in that book... if that's where he got this from... makes Saeyoung make a small choking noise. (NOT NOW DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.) (DID HE SEE THAT THING WITH THE EROGENOUS ZONES AND THE-)

NOT. NOW.

Saeyoung attempts to steady his voice and answer Saeran's actual question. But he can't keep the weird, 'nothing, NOTHING, EVERYTHING IS FINE' vibe out of it. "Ahahahaha... I'm a good housewife, right?? I'll fluff your pillow for you too~ Just come home safely okay? I really need to see your face when you eat the best omelette ever! See you soon hahahaha..."

(Fine. Totally natural. Good job, me.)

**Saeran**

"Idiot." Saeran deadpans, because it's a stupid act. Plus, there's something off about his brother's voice, a tight tone that Saeran finds himself keenly aware of... (Why? Why does he sound like that?)

"...what are you hiding?"

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung was expecting to end the conversation, but the sudden questioning leaves him vulnerable. "Ahahaha... nothing... I mean... have you been reading a lot lately... ah... you just reminded me..."

(WHY CAN'T I JUST HANG UP JUMIN DOES IT ALL THE TIME WITH BARELY A "WELL, THEN") But now that he had this link to his distant brother he just can't seem to sever it.

"Anyway... drive safe..." he trails off, finger still unable to hit that red button.

**Saeran**

The caginess really does Saeyoung no favours. It might be something innocuous, but knowing his brother, Saeran doubts it and it puts him in a foul mood. Of course, he can't be trusted. Of course, Saeyoung will hold things back from him.

The rage that usually accompanies such feelings is relatively muted. Instead, Saeran is resigned. He can't let himself care too much, to hope that maybe their awkwardness and secrets would disappear. Nothing was going to change, was it?

Saeran doesn't say as much. Like when they were children, expressing such dark thoughts to Saeyoung didn't seem right. Not when he was trying to be positive, in his way. Besides, he's not even sure what he wants to change. What he wants to hear.

So, he sighs, then promptly hangs up.

 ...that felt kind of good, at least.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung listens to the click with a sign of relief... Off the hook. Now to try to make those omelettes Yoosung taught him how to make... with the patterns in the egg... (I'VE GOT THIS)

Of course, the maid outfit is a natural addition to proceedings.


	3. My brother, the maid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven's attempt to make up with his twin winds up just depressing him, but as he stands in the kitchen feeling like his world is falling apart... Saeran...

**Saeran**

Unaware of his twin's plans, Saeran allows himself to take the scenic route home. The purr of Saeyoung's car is unmistakable as it pulls back into the drive way, and it's... _mostly_ unscathed.

There might be a small dent. 

It feels a little strange to be able to come and go as he pleases, even if it did involve stealing his brother's car. Saeran never imagined this would have been possible until now.

He couldn't have imagined opening the bunker door to find his brother in maid cosplay either.

…

…

…

He's speechless.

While Saeran knew of his twin’s crossdressing habit, it’s been a while since he’s seen him do it, and… never something quite so…

(How… do I even begin to think about this?)

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung hears his brother enter the bunker and quickly tugs at his wig to make sure it's still perfectly in place. You can't make an omelette without wearing a few wigs!

It occurs to him Saeran hasn't seen this maid cosplay before. He’s kept that sort of thing at a minimum until now, never sure what Saeran thought of it. But, in this instance - he really hopes it lightens the mood...

The omelettes came out... not quite as well as, say, Saeyoung's wing eyeliner. They might, in fact, look a little like something a child would make... but... hopefully they taste okay. At least the presentation is nice. Sprigs of parsley make everything classy.

He calls out to Saeran, who seems to be standing frozen in the doorway to the living room area.

"Welcome home~ Please enjoy your meal~"

With a flourish he places the plates on the table and curtseys with practiced ease. "Just tell me if you require anything else of meee~"

Not wanting to pressure his brother too much, Saeyoung disappears back into the kitchen to attempt to clean up, which arguably he's even worse at than cooking.

(I hope you feel my sincerest wishes... Saeran...)

**Saeran**

The cosplay is not having the desired effect. Saeran knows this, because he's made himself intimately aware of his twin's own coping mechanisms. The outfit is a ruse, a cover up of his twin's true self and intended to elicit a certain reaction.

In this case...

Probably trying to be playful, and not make a big deal out of the fact that Saeran just came home after storming off in a fit. Instead, it places all the attention back on his twin's Seven-Zero-Seven persona, and how ludicrous he can be. No need to take him or the heartfelt meal seriously.

But Saeran can't get the image out of his head.

If Saeyoung hadn't have left the room, he'd probably still be staring. That skirt... was short, for one thing. And the lean muscles of his brother's arms were emphasized by the frilled sleeves. And the waist...

For a second Saeran had been tempted to step forward and wrap arms around his brother's waist, lean in close and... _bite_. He shivers. Disturbed by the thought, though anyone watching would probably just think it was just his reaction to the outfit.

(I'm disgusting.)

Shaking himself out of it, Saeran desperately looks to the omelette Saeyoung prepared and feels a lump get stuck in his throat. It's... amateur. Painfully so. Saeran could do better. But it was charming how hard Saeyoung had tried.

Sitting down, Saeran allows himself to take a bite - an effort that hopefully wouldn't go unnoticed by Saeyoung. He _is_ trying, despite everything.

It's better than expected.

(... didn't someone once tell me that a secret ingredient is love, once?)

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung's clean up attempt doesn't take long, mostly because that's all it was, an attempt.

The dishwasher is loaded, although you're think someone with such a good STEM background would understand the physics of how water won't actually be able to reach some of the plates given how oddly they're placed, but there are Just Some Things that don't occur to him, no matter how much he's learned. Plus, he's distracted.

So distracted he doesn't even do the part where you, you know. Actually turn the dishwasher on. He's thinking about Saeran's face.

Saeyoung had been in character fully... something that always makes him feel more confident. A mask lets you watch from behind while your body does what it needs to do.

His body...

A memory of The Couch Incident pops back into his head, and his resultant blush stands out strongly against the black and white of his maid outfit.

His body... wasn't used to such closeness in the way it had accepted Saeran's closeness as a child. His body now...

He shivers, thinking of that first time he'd allowed someone else to touch him. In a way that felt... just as intimate as his contact with his brother, but adult. Dirty. Betrayal. Every time he’d slept with someone, it felt like a betrayal, somehow.

Even that first time, as hands had reached down for him, as warmth and stimulation and want had enveloped him. He'd been apologising to Saeran in his head.

As fingers grasped his cock and teeth bit his earlobe and someone else's odour pressed everything else out of his senses...

(...Saeran... I'm so sorry.)

(...I never wanted to make you grow so afraid of my touch...)

(...I never wanted to let this body betray you...)

As the sensations and memories fill his head, the mask cracks, and quiet tears seep out from behind it.

(Thank god this mascara is waterproof.)

(…get it together.)

He's about to splash some cold water on his face when he turns to see his brother in the doorway

**Saeran**

Trained not to be slothful (lest he be punished), Saeran has a habit to eat quickly and clean up quicker. He's never taken the time to really savour food unless someone was with him, and this time is no different - even if it was made just for him.

And.

He can't help himself. The desire to see his brother in that dress is too compelling, that not even logic or his own self-hatred can stop him.

(I'm just curious...) Saeran tells himself unconvincingly. Whatever he's feeling is dangerous, he knows that much.

Except… when he enters, Saeyoung is crying, and Saeran can feel to his fingertips that the hurt he must be feeling. He almost wants to look away, but he _can’t_ , and-

And for the first time since he's come here, he's consciously reaching out, wanting to pull his twin close.

**Saeyoung**

He?

Saeyoung blinks just in case he's seeing a mirage, but he barely allows a heartbeat to pass before he reaches out in turn, forcing himself to stop just lightly holding the tips of his brother's fingers. Not even the whole hand.

He desperately wants more.

He wants to bury his face in his brother's chest and just. Be weak. For once. Just once. Not feel like everything is on him, that he didn't have to be responsible or strong or brave... just for a few moments.

(It was always me holding you...)

(But maybe even then, I...)

(I wanted arms that wrapped around me protectively, too.)

As he gently, tearfully grasps his brother's fingertips, before he lets his mind take back control over the hazy emotions coursing through his body touching Saeran even this much, he whispers "I wish you'd hold me too... was it so painful...? I..."

Then his mind does start to catch up once more, and he drops Saeran's hands, whirling around, and, much like his brother did before, wanting to escape this feeling... but stepping away only takes him to the kitchen bench, where he rests his hands and hangs his head and waits to hear the sound of his brother giving up on him entirely behind him.

He doesn't know what that will sound like, but he’s sure it will hurt.

He's messed up twice, tonight. Saeran's probably going to avoid him forever now that he's said that...

(...oh.)

He looks down at his hands. Underneath them, the dishwasher sits, silent.

(I forgot to turn it on...)

(I can't even manage this...)

**Saeran**

"Painful?" Saeran asks blankly, suddenly aching at the lost touch and at his twin's visible distress. He's hyper aware of his heart beat.

Thump.

Thump.

A second later he realises what Saeyoung means and berates himself - airhead airhead _airhead._ He can't do anything right.

Once again, Saeran had let his fear get the better of him. Honestly, he doesn't deserve Saeyoung, with the way he treats him... but he's here now. And he can't ignore the sad line of his brother's shoulders. Hesitantly, Saeran places his hand on Saeyoung's back.

(Can I do this? Is this... okay?) Saeran doesn't know. In their relationship, he was always the one to be comforted, always weak and a burden. Useless.

The way Saeyoung looks at him always reminds him of that fact. Even so...

They made a promise. More importantly, he promised himself. They could be happy. Saeran must face his brother and who he is, no matter how painful it gets. His fingers curl a little more roughly into the fabric of the maid costume.

"…I'm messed up. Accepting that sort of thing scares me, but... that's because it's anything but painful. It's too sweet."

Such sweetness fills up not just his head, but his heart with memories and ideas that are too unreal, impossible, beautiful, dangerous… to dare think about.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung grips the bench in front of him as his legs go weak. Saeran's touch... The weakness in his legs causes him to lean back, just a little.

(A lie... I'm leaning back because I want-)

The small movement just means he feels the tips of his brother's fingers, those fingers he'd clasped needily only moments before, slide a little further along the fabric of his back, which is almost like the sensation of -

(...like he's stroking me.)

(...I want him to hold me)

The words sink slowly into his brain, the sensation of Saeran's touch making every neuron in his head fire at half speed, the words spin and more than anything he hears the tone of his brother's voice, that kind, soft tone he laid awake at night imagining for years, trying to recreate, never the same-

(I want...)

\- no matter who he found comfort in, never the same, never this soft feeling, never this pounding heartbeat, never this perfect completion –

(...sweetness... he said... it was...)

(every inch of me not in contact with him aches)

(it aches... Saeran... Saeran...)

\- he doesn't want this touch to end he doesn't want to move but he wants to move but he needs to move but -

(Saeran...)

Saeyoung tilts his head back, wanting to see his brother’s face but not wanting to turn, because then they would separate... again...

He can't see his twin, but...

His voice is hungrier than he's ever sounded in his life. His skin is warmer than it's ever felt in his life. "Saeran..." he aches out loud, and there's no other way to describe it, he _aches._

**Saeran**

Ah... He isn't imagining it, right? That all too familiar need, echoed in his brother's voice. The same desperation that runs through Saeran's veins like fire each time they're near...

Rather than it making him feel weak, it emboldens Saeran, and he allows himself to trace the curve of his brother’s back lower. Marvelling at the heat of the skin seeping through the fabric.

(This is trouble.)

Any more of this, and...

He won't be able to go back.

Yet he feels at peace with that, if he can capture more moments like these. No longer does he feel so suffocated, and breathing suddenly feels much lighter.

(I'm... happy.)

Does Saeyoung feel the same?

To think that Saeran had caused him tears is awful enough, but there's so much more he's responsible for. Yes, Saeyoung had sinned, but Saeran had long realized that wasn't worth torturing him.

"Does it hurt...?" He asks, voice barely above a whisper.

It can't. He can't.

(I won't. Not anymore.)

If Saeyoung can forgive him for being difficult, for causing him pain...

Saeran hopes that means he finally embrace who he wants to be, and everything else he desires with it.

"I'm sorry. Please... please, don't hide from me."

No more secrets. No more barriers. No more running. Just let them grasp each other and feel _whole_ again. Feel _alive._

Instinctually, in tandem with his plea, Saeran's arms curls around his brother’s waist almost possessively. No, _definitely_ possessively.

"Hyung," he adds, and it sounds like a prayer.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung shivers as the sensation of his brother so close to him compete with the sensation of the word he just heard.

Generally, Saeran hasn't called him much of anything at all - there's been no need to identify who he's speaking to when it's just the two of them, after all.

'Hyung,' he'd said. And for a moment, it had sounded just like it had when they were children. Just as needy. Just as affectionate...

And the hands around his waist truly take the last of his strength away. His arms shake from the pressure he's exerting on the bench to stay upright. (These arms around me...)

They're much stronger than Saeran's had been as a child.

He can't keep the words spinning around his head to himself any more, although really, it's just one word, over and over... one person. He can think of nothing and no one else. "Saeran... Saeran... ah..."

(G-god.)

(What sound just came out of my lips just now?)

(That was absolutely a moan)

Fuck.

It was honest, though.

(He wants me to be honest...)

"It only hurts..."

Be honest. Here, facing the wall, with his brother's arms around him...

Honest...

Maybe being strong was the wrong approach all this time.

Maybe being weak... accepting his flaws... accepting his inability to protect his brother from the world... is better.

If he keeps on trying to be responsible for everything, isn't he just forcing Saeran to hold him responsible for everything? All this time he's been forcing them both into roles that push them both apart, even as he struggled to bridge that gap alone.

"It only hurts... when we're apart... Saeran... I..." He tilts his head back further, neck exposed, so that his cheek barely makes contact with Saeran's. He wants to turn around. To look at his brother's face, to- (But will he let go if I do?)

Painful. The thought of that...

"I can't stand it... when I can't see you..."

Honesty.

Once he tries it, he doesn't want to stop. Much like... "It feels so hollow... when I'm not touching you..." His brother's fingers tighten around his waist and Saeyoung can't help but make another small, yearning sound.

That's it, right? This is his honest self. But he feels words yet unspoken bubble up without being willing or able to examine exactly what he means by them first. But he knows he means them absolutely.

"I want... to be with you... always..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figure most people this deep into MysMe know a few basics about South Korean language, but 'hyung' is an honorific younger brothers can use to refer to older brothers - can also be used for younger men to refer to older men, which, if you listen to Yoosung's phone calls, when he mentions Seven he tends to say 'Seven-hyung'.


	4. Even if it takes a thousand kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins begin to reawaken the connection they once shared constantly as children.
> 
> Also: kisses. Heavier smut doesn't start until the next chapter.

**Saeran**

(Am I dreaming...?) Saeran wonders somewhat deliriously. The situation was absurd enough, with the maid cosplay. But there's no denying the body leaning against him.

Tentatively, Saeran drops his head into the hollow of Saeyoung's shoulder and neck - cheeks brushing when he does. The scent of his twin's skin catches his attention again, and Saeran inhales deeply.

(...he still smells the same...)

Things have changed so much.... and these feelings he's having, they're new and concerning... but it's not as if either of them have been able to be normal anyway. Besides, Saeran for one no longer wants to live by anyone else's rules.

In fairy tales one was meant to end up with a prince or princess. Not the rival. Nevertheless, Saeyoung had cast a spell with his honesty, and here Saeran was. Willing to write their happy ending.

Perhaps by holding Saeyoung, he'll just ruin things again. No matter how this dress-wearing idiot begs, he might change his tune later.

But that's... okay. For once, Saeran feels willing to risk it. Maybe the freedom of the road has given him a little hope.

For now, he'll simply hold Saeyoung until the magic of it wears off.

He hopes it doesn't. He's tired of the awkwardness, the words neither of them can ever spit out.

"I'm here. Don't overthink it." Or else he will too. 

Though it's not as if he could be anywhere else. This is _his_ place. Where he should be. (When did I start to feel that way again?) The thought makes Saeran giddy, like he's had too many caffeine pills.

“What should I do...? I..." This is the closest they've been to each other in years, couch aside. He wants more. Somehow, someway, he wants more. An assurance that this embrace can't quite give.

"We're twins." It feels good to admit. He'd spent years distancing himself from that fact. But... 

"But.. I don't know who we are to each other. We've changed. The distance between us is getting smaller, but when I see you..."

(What is it I see?)

They can't even be called identical anymore.

**Saeyoung**

This close, Saeyoung can feel the vibration of his brother's voice through his own body. It wasn't like that as children. When they'd parted, their voices had still been pubescent. Not like now, where every word spoken gently moves his every atom. Saeran's right. They diverged...

Even without the kitten heels, he's grown just a little taller than his brother. Not hugely noticeable, but, when you're meant to be identical...

Not to mention his arms and legs and torso are all just that little bit bulkier. The waist his brother is holding so tightly. The stocking-clad legs that now rub against the fabric of Saeran's pants... the tulle of his short skirt keeping them separate to some degree.

(I keep fixating on these sensations...)

A small, distant part of him wonders if he's doing something wrong.

Right now, this close to his twin, it's like they've almost, but not quite, closed an electrical circuit. A thought flowing between them.

Like the way they used to understand each other so easily. So innately.

He'd do anything to grasp that closeness again. He'd face anything. Break every rule there is. To feel that unbreakable link, that channel direct to each other's self.

He licks his lips, that have become dry from increasingly rapid breaths. He wants to show Saeran how far he's willing to go to break down any final barrier between them.

The growing pressure against his frilly underwear really isn't helping him think ahead though.

"Maybe it starts by facing each other. No masks. No wigs. No personas." He draws a shaky breath. "I don't want to hide from you."

But he can't do it alone. 

"Help me..."

He summons his remaining strength, and stops pushing against the bench, leaning a little more into Saeran as he stretches his fingers. Gently levers off both his shoes, bringing him a little closer to his brother's height.

Then his hands go to the ribbon at his neck, softly tugging at it until it flutters gently past Saeran to the floor.

**Saeran**

At first Saeran doesn't understand what Saeyoung means, lifting his head somewhat quizzically, and - ah. (Is he going to… strip? At least, the maid clothing?) Weirdly, it feels appropriate. Saeyoung offering him his vulnerable self.

Before, he’d only ever used things like this as a show of dominance. A way to control believers in Mint Eye.

Now it was different.

Intimate.

His stomach feels full of moths, even now enraptured by his twin's light.

...was this why he had never been interested in anyone romantically...? He'd never felt this much anticipation when it was someone else.

This connection he can feel opening between them…

It was impossible to match. Yet even as he watches the ribbon fall, Saeran feels increasingly unsettled. Afraid of what his twin would soon see.

Saeyoung was his brother and would not leave him. He knows that now. But...

"You don't want to look at me."

He's too ugly inside and out. Too different. Surely seeing that Saeyoung would have second thoughts.

He... doesn't have anything to be proud of.

At best, Saeyoung would pity him and his scars.

**Saeyoung**

(Oh...) He feels it. The shame. He _feels_ it. Horrible but also... wonderful, like the emotion had passed straight through Saeran's body to his via their skin. Like re-awakening some deep link they once shared. His twin's heart is already a little closer. A little louder.

He can't let this slip away. Now that he's being honest, he can't go back into hiding. Neither can his brother.

"Saeran..." He places his hands over his twin's, slowly intertwining his fingers until the grip on his waist weakens.

He wants to say that name over and over again, with every bit of his soul behind the letters. He wants his brother to understand just how deeply he is treasured.

Saeran straightens up, which gives Saeyoung the space

to turn

around.

(This is it)

(There's nothing I can take back after this.)

(Nothing he won't see, if he looks close enough.)

(Nothing I can hide.)

He looks into Saeran's eyes, wide and questioning.

And he sees him.

"Saeran..." He slowly, carefully tilts his head down to his brother's ear. "I see you, and you're beautiful." He leaves a soft, chaste kiss behind.

He straightens up again. "My one and only..."

A tiny kiss on the top of his head - Saeyoung has to stand on his toes, given his height advantage isn't that great.

"What I see..."

A kiss on the forehead.

"...is my other half."

And he raises Saeran's hands in his own, and kisses them, too.

**Saeran**

Everything is hot and Saeran feels dizzy, like he's sick with a fever... but much more pleasant. Any doubting voice in his head is drowned out by Saeyoung's words, which he turns over and over obsessively in his mind - so much so that Saeran's barely aware of the small, half strangled moan he makes as Saeyoung finally kisses his hands, his fingers curling tightly into his brother's palms when he does. For a moment he's simply frozen. Face red.

It's no longer a question of trust, or honesty. What's happening here is too pure for that. What he needs is faith in himself. Saeran swallows.

(Does he even know... how his words and gestures affect me?)

No. Saeran doubts his brother realises his own allure. Not really. That's okay. Saeran knows it plenty. Had been unable to look away from Saeyoung, even when he hated him.

(... is this what is called licking each other's wounds...?)

Even if it's not, Saeran kind of wants to try it. He licks his lips in anticipation.

"...then I'll show you everything."

It's a challenge. Daring Saeyoung to take on the worst of him.

**Saeyoung**

Something in Saeran's reply sends the hairs on Saeyoung's arms rising, as he lifts his head from their clasped hands. Those words sounded a little more dangerous than the sum of their entire evening so far. 

What's left when you strip away everything on the outside?

Inside... There's just been one thing. One person his heart has kept beating for. 

It's the only reason his heart has kept beating since he was small. The only thing that has made him able to form a smile on his face to show the world, even when all he wanted to do was cry.

And if it takes a thousand kisses to show that to him...

(I want him to see me. Just me.)

He gently releases his twin's hands. But where to go from here? The clips on his wig are high quality and easy to pop. He turns and places the silky maroon item on the bench. He must look foolish like this...

**Saeran**

That's the furthermost thing from Saeran's mind, not when the sudden absence of touch taunts him. And then Saeyoung takes off the wig, and Saeran realizes exactly where they are.

... it's wrong. The kitchen isn't the right setting for this.

His eyes automatically turn to where he's discarded his plate on a bench. Forgotten.

... the food had been delicious, but it really would have been better enjoyed together...

Together.

Saeran's eyes are drawn back to his brother's back.

"Hyung." He can make out the zip of the dress.

Watching wasn't bad. But it would be better if... "Let's help each other."

And... He takes a step, then another, back to the kitchen doorway and wills himself to look at Saeyoung as his brother turns. Tilting his head suggestively. "So, let's go somewhere... comfortable."

The kitchen's light is a little too harsh.

**Saeyoung**

As Saeyoung turns to see that distance between them he feels his heart drop into his stomach. But Saeran's words reassure him, to a degree.

Oh. He's right. What exactly are they doing here? Of course Saeran would feel uncomfortable. Why didn't he think about this...?

But then, he hadn't really thought much about where this was going at all. Just what he wanted next... and then next... and then next...

As his twin allowed him each thing, he escalated again and again, but each time still wanting to go further.

Is this inevitable...?

So long as the distance between him and Saeran becomes completely zero. Anything is fine.

Anything...

A few 'anythings' pop into his mind and he finds himself blushing again, much deeper than before.

(I mean, we wouldn't do _that_ … god, what am I thinking? He's my brother.)

Hyper-aware of how his face must look, Saeyoung quickly moves to meet his brother in the doorway and take his hand. "Then, let's go...!" And he brushes by Saeran, still holding his hand -

(g-god, the pressure of the tulle rubbing against my...)

\- and leads him down the corridor.

(I'm going crazy, aren't I?)

The feeling of wanting to get closer... and the light touch of the skirt as it presses against him thanks to his close proximity to Saeran... and the wall of the corridor... It's enough to drive anyone mad.

His lips part as he leads Saeran through the doorway into the bedroom. Breathing shallower.

Saeran's bedroom. He should feel okay here, right? It's Saeran's personal space. He's not taking him specifically to bed because he wants to...

(...)

(It's just that we were always closest in bed, holding each other. Like on the couch. That's... that's all...)

But part of him knows it isn't all.

He doesn't turn on the light. It's just like...

Just like...

... they used to...

But the bed is so much nicer. And this feeling...

Saeyoung lets go of his brother's hand at last, and delicately sits on the end of the bed, flipping his skirt out so that it isn't crushed, fanning it out across his legs.

"Is this okay...?" He tries to read Saeran's expression in the half-light, although more than anything, he can feel his brother's own quickened heart beat alongside his own.

So much closer. Much closer than before.

"Are you okay... here...?"


	5. How long have I wanted this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Excitement wells up in Saeran's chest, like a dam filled to burst from how long he's stopped himself from wanting this._
> 
> _Saeyoung's desperate for it too, right?_
> 
> **Smut begins**
> 
> Saeyoung: (wow I'm so turned on by Saeran, I've got such a filthy mind, what a terrible older brother)  
> Saeran: touch me already you idiot
> 
> Seven and Saeran make out on Saeran's bed. Yup. That's. That's what they do.

**Saeran**

There is a boundary here they're about to cross. Saeran can feel it pressing up against him, and for a moment he's paralysed by it. But then the thinks of how Saeyoung's fingers had felt grasping his own, and he can't help but take a step forward.

Now, this space is a world where only the two of them exist.

Excitement wells up in Saeran's chest, like a dam filled to burst from how long he's stopped himself from wanting this.

Saeyoung's desperate for it too, right?

It's difficult to tell sometimes. Saeyoung can act so confident, when Saeran just feels awkward. Yet there's a vulnerability to his twin now. Saeran looks over to his brother, and pauses when he notices how the skirt tents. It wasn't obvious before, but now he's sitting...

Well. Saeran isn't innocent in that regard either, though he doesn't understand how anything they’d done could have made Saeyoung like this. (He can’t be thinking of… me. Was it the touching?)

Not put off, Saeran looks back up to his brother's eyes and reaches out to take his hand again.

"Don't disappoint me."

He knows his words sound cruel, but it needs to be said. It isn't easy to just state how much he desires this, how happy it makes him. They're not... that close. At least, for now. There’s still distance between them.

He presses Saeyoung's hand to his shirt pointedly.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung's eyes flick down to follow Saeran's earlier glance and - oh. Well. THAT'S.

But Saeran doesn't look disgusted by him...?

And instead...?

He can feel the gentle throb of Saeran's heartbeat through his shirt.

It's been so long since he felt accepted, fully, by anyone. The last time... was probably Saeran, too, before he'd left.

The shirt is easy to lift, and Saeran raises his arms and twists, allowing himself to be stripped of it. Saeyoung's eyes immediately move to study his twin's chest.

(This is what you've been worried about...?)

Even in the half-light, Saeyoung can see the flesh of his brother's body has seen its share of trauma.

(Me, too, Saeran... we both... met with our scars.)

He takes it all in with a single look, and then presses his face into his brother's body, lightly covering every scar, every sharp angle, every indentation in kisses.

Saeran's legs press up against the bed as he leans into the attention, and that means the pressure pushes against Saeyoung, too...

He's never been this hard in his life.

No matter how attractive the partner, how important the mission, how much he fantasised and indulged and blew off steam...

He's never been like this.

But he keeps his hands and mouth on Saeran, and the aching suffering of his untouched erection is... pleasurable, too.

It feels good, to hurt like this. And as that thought washes through his brain, his kisses turn to licks, as he lets his tongue glide lewdly over his brother's skin, pausing the flick over a hardening nipple as he goes.

Kisses... you could kind of excuse kisses... families can kiss.

But he can't really argue that there's such a thing as licking your brother... or...

 ...his teeth graze lightly over his skin.

...this...

**Saeran**

This was not exactly what Saeran expected. At least, he’d thought they'd hold each other more. Not... _Oh._

He moans lowly when Saeyoung's teeth grazes against his skin. He's being _devoured_.

Is this how they were going to become one...?

Somehow it makes sense. Each wet touch of tongue makes Saeran feel like he's melting into Saeyoung, like they'll finally meld together.

His cock is the only thing _not_ going soft, growing harder and more in need each second.

Unable to protest this sudden change in events, Saeran's hands maps along Saeyoung's shoulders and down to the zip along his back - pulling at it, craving for more contact of their skin. Who knew being caressed like this would make him surrender so easily.

It's almost enough to convince Saeran to hurt himself more, so that there's more reason to be touched like this again in the future... but for now, it's more than enough.

He shifts to sit on Saeyoung's lap.

It's... fucked up.

It all is.

Saeran is fine with that.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung breaks his string of kisses and grazes as Saeran joins him on the bed.

(What are we doing...?)

(You know... what you're doing...)

But it feels so different... to anything else... it's not the same.

It's better. So much better.

So much worse.

Is it because Saeyoung spent so long in the darkness? Doing deceitful, questionable things? Is that why he's like this?

But then... even as children...

 ...he'd never wanted to let Saeran go... even when he didn't know what else he wanted to do...

...maybe he'd always been like this…

In the back of his mind, a box filled with memories he’s locked away rattles its lid. But for now, Saeyoung isn’t ready to hear it.

Saeran... in comparison...

(No matter what happened. Unlike me… his soul… is pure...) he thinks, an idealised and romanticised brother still in his mind, stopping him still from seeing the whole picture.

Saeran always been so trusting... before. When they were children, teens…

(Am I dragging him down to my level?)

But he wants to be one... for there to be no distance between them any more...

Was it inevitable then that his brother would have to sink this low to meet him here?

It takes all his self-control not to grind upwards against his twin, even with all these concerns flooding his mind. But...

Guilt and love and yearning and lust all agree, though, as he wraps his arms tightly around Saeran's waist and pulls him forwards, so that both of them are lying on the bed. He shifts, so that Saeran’s body is next to him instead of above him.

Equals. He doesn’t want to push this too far and ruin what they’re rushing towards. Above everything else. It’s the closeness he wants.

Just as they did as children, their arms and legs naturally find each other and intertwine, Saeran’s naked chest and Saeyoung’s partially-clothed one pushed together, their foreheads touching.

“Saeran… I never want to leave you alone… I want to hold you and never let go… I want…”

His voice breaks a little as he grows aware of the firm warmth pressing against him from his brother’s side. Wh-when did that happen…?

(I…)

He shifts his leg slightly, altering the pressure and sensation for his twin.

He can’t help it. He’s down here in this dark place and…

...he wants to feel his brother squirm against him…

(...so close...)

**Saeran**

There's no hiding the truth like this, all pretences and expectations stripped away so they can just be. No such thing as weak or strong. No winner or loser. Just the desire to give and take, like how their breathes intermingle and are exchanged now their faces are so close.

"I... know..." Saeran pants, almost into Saeyoung's mouth. There's no question where this is going.

God... how long had he wanted his brother?

Too long.

Always.

Forever.

Somehow, he’d always been waiting for this. Even when he refused to look at the feeling.

Even in the depths of his despair.

This kind of intimacy might never have entered into the equation until now... but it doesn't change the basic formula.

"Me too," Saeran finally admits.

That feeling... is not the burden it used to be. Saeran feels free.

Free to touch. Free to love. Free to be happy. Free to stay and want. And seize.

But he'd rather ask. If they were to choose who they are and how they are, then Saeyoung has to give this to him voluntarily. Even if his twin's touch makes him ache.

Saeyoung has to surrender to Saeran too, just as Saeran is giving in to him right now.

"Please..."

**Saeyoung**

The feel of his brother's hot breaths against his face is something he could get used to. Something he wants more of. He rubs against Saeran more forcefully, to feel those breaths increase in frequency and decrease in distance. Like they're sharing the same breath.

He wants to drink it all in. He alternates, then, between making Saeran writhe with gentle nudges and nips, and lying perfectly still, pressed against him, waiting for his twin's breathing to slow down again. It's hard to know which is the bigger sin. Giving, or denying.

God... if you're watching...

... why would you make it hurt so much, to not touch him, to not stroke him, to not love him... if that wasn't what you wanted...

It's flawed logic, he knows. But it's been a long time since he felt god was watching over him, anyway.

Whereas God Seven...

... is always watching...

... and he never wants to take his eyes off Saeran again. Despite the dark, every time he makes Saeran pant or moan, when he tilts his head back, he can see his parted lips. And he can feel that hunger through their skin.

That's right. It's him. It's _his_ touch that makes Saeran part his lips and mewl like that. It's _him_...

The powerlessness he'd felt... the resignation that maybe he'd left everything too late to fix it... that he'd never fully regain his brother's trust. But here he is.

Here Saeran is. Exposed. Asking him to help. Asking _him_. Wanting _him_.

It's enough. It's more than enough. Anything, anything, anything after this, is excessive. The trust he feels between them now... his brother willingly giving in... in the palm of his hand...

...well.

(He's not in the palm of my hand yet, right?)

(But I want... to see more of that hungry breathless face... to hear him moan again...)

His hands have been running down Saeran's sides this whole time, caressing him, gently teasing him, then squeezing him into a hug.

There's so little distance between them now. And so much honesty.

The next barrier between them is Saeran's grey pants with the red stripe he loves so much. It's understandable. They're comfy. And the waistband is a generous wide strip of elastic. Generous enough that it's no effort at all to slide one hand down from stroking the curve of his hip, to the waistband, and then...

...gently, lightly... just over the fabric of his underwear...

Saeyoung runs his fingers lightly over Saeran's rigid, twitching cock, feeling his own respond in turn.

It's even better than touching himself. He never makes a sound like that when he's alone. When Saeyoung masturbates, it's always a distant fantasy, and always drawn out, often over hours... he'd spent so much time home alone, and his tension was often so high... well, his pants spent more time dropped somewhere on the floor than covering his legs.

And he's not sure what he wants to do now that he has Saeran in his hand, his own erection practically burning a hole in his skirt. Other than cup him, and tease him, and make him breathe even harder and louder into his face.

Yeah... that's what he wants.

Become one... share the same air.

So as he gently holds his brother with one hand, he nuzzles in closer with his face, and then...

...just one, gentle, long stroke.

...he swallows the deep moan coming from his twin's lips...

**Saeran**

No one has ever touched Saeran like this before. Sex only used as a tool to control. He's barely even touched himself this way, the most a quick jerk off in a shower.

As for the kiss, it's completely alien. Combining the two is utterly unfair.

Saeran keens into his brothers mouth, coming more and more undone.

Despite himself, Saeran feels like he's about to cry. His vision is hazy, and his next sound comes out more like a sob. But he doesn't want to stop. Far from it.

He wants to rip the dress off Saeyoung, scrape his nails along his brother's stockings until they ran.

He wants to wreck his brother as much as he feels wrecked.

To pull him down and then rise with him again when it's over. With hands more experienced than they ought to be, he tugs at Saeyoung's dress again - this time breaking the zipper. A shame.

His brother really did look beautiful in that dress. But Saeyoung always looks beautiful to Saeran no matter what form he takes. All the dress did was accentuate certain parts. And he's particularly dazzling as he is now - open and needing him.

That thought pushes Saeran to kiss back, tongue sliding into his brother's mouth in seek of more. Just… _more._

He's greedy. But he can be, can't he?

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung feels the back of his maid outfit give way and then snare entirely from his brother's eager hands. He can get another. What's at the top of his mind now is getting free of it. Answering that expressed need.

He wriggles and tugs with his free hand, though as Saeran returns his kiss with more vigour than he anticipated, he pauses, half undone, unable to focus on anything else but the sensation of his brother penetrating his mouth with his tongue, pushing into him with more energy than when he'd squirmed before.

He lets the kiss fill his senses, unable to avoid moaning himself. His chest hums with the depth of it. He's not sure how much time has passed when Saeran's lips finally part from his, saliva still connecting them both. Seconds? Minutes? Hours?

He wriggles again, and as something else tears. A button somewhere pops, he at least manages to push the dress down to his hips. If he could just pull it down to his knees over the suspenders and the underwear, they could be almost entirely in contact across both their bodies

"Help... I'm stuck..." he whispers, at a loss.

**Saeran**

Saeran needs a moment to process, blinking hazily at Saeyoung's request and more absorbed in the way his mouth throbs. He pushes fingers up to it curiously, wiping at the saliva and overly conscious of how bereft he is not to be kissing Saeyoung again at this moment.

It's so difficult to focus. He manages, when his other hand alone is unable to tug the skirt away. With astounding willpower Saeran pushes himself back from Saeyoung even though it's agony, and is rewarded by the sight of his brother laid out beside him.

Saeran wants to etch it forever into his memory. Cheeks flushed a charming pink, golden eyes wide and glittering... trusting and forthright with their emotion. There's a twitch in his brother's smooth muscles that betrays his desires too, and… damn, the dress.

That's not even counting Saeyoung's ever obvious hard-on, trapped but persistent. Not that it'd be hard to remove the clothing from Saeran's perspective.

But, now it's given him an idea.

"Wait."

Sitting up more, Saeran opts to remove his own pants as Saeyoung stews.

**Saeyoung**

Just one word, and it burns.

‘Wait.’

Feels like Saeran is asking the impossible.

Saeyoung feels trapped by the dress that had done such a good job of concealing his feelings and desires earlier.

He'd laid it out so carefully, and put it on with so much pleasure, loving the way the soft fabric felt on his skin.

But now he'd happily tear it to shreds to get this barrier between him and his twin removed. But his frustration is somewhat tempered at the sight of his brother sitting up in the dim light.

God, he's beautiful. To not see him for so many years... the weight of that feels even more powerful, seeing him here like this. He could never give it up a second time. His mouth is still slick with saliva, and his lips chill and ache when he sucks in a gulp of air as Saeran's own hands go to his pants.

Every other thought leaves his head as his twin frees himself of his own clothing... .

...Saeyoung can't help but stare at the last remaining piece of clothing on Saeran's body...

...and the bulge... the single damp spot... from Saeran's body... preparing him...

There's something about seeing that precum soaked into the cloth that really sends the message home.

(...we're... are we really going to...?)

His mind has spun in a dozen directions since this started, but his body...

His body recognised this feeling far earlier than his brain. He stares, lips parted, waiting.

(Is he going to take those off, too? Or...?)

(Is he feeling that rush from seeing how powerless I am against the sight of him right now?)

(Can he feel it radiating from me?)

**Saeran**

"... what are you thinking?" It must be something big, the way Saeyoung's staring at him. It makes Saeran's self-consciousness crawl back somewhat, but his need and curiosity is stronger.

What his brother is feeling is obvious, but he wants to hear it. How he'd describe it.

Or even if there are any doubts... Saeran wants to know it all. Though praise is far preferable.

In fact, during all this Saeyoung has been mostly silent.

"You never used to shut up..."

Not that Saeran didn't know what his brother was communicating with his body. The emotions flowing between them as their hearts beating more and more in tandem was unmistakable. Nevertheless. Maybe he should try giving some encouragement of his own.

That had been somewhat the point already. A small idea Saeran had acted out on a whim. He just wanted to show Saeyoung how willing he was. Like how Saeyoung was willing for him.

Taking off a piece of clothing on his own, it was important in a way words failed to describe.

(It's... active. Not passive. Not just going along with hyung's wishes.)

Saeran bites his lip, deliberating. It didn't feel right for Saeyoung to concede to him either.

Though he still wanted to hear him to speak his mind. ... perhaps, if just he provoked his twin a little...

That said, touching himself is out of the question, no matter how much it aches. It... feels too empty, and is best reserved for his twin's hands. It's why he kept the underwear on.

Saeran's eyes are drawn to Saeyoung's clothed erection again. Did he feel the same?

Considering his brother, Saeran starts to run a hand up the stockings of Saeyoung's leg. Nails drag against it, making the fabric catch and run easily.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung arches and groans at the sensation of Saeran's nails tracing a set of long, lazy lines down his skin. The Agency had taught him to withstand so many forms of torture, so many ways to keep his mind and body separate.

But every fibre of his being wants to experience this as one. It's almost like Saeran's touches are playing him like a tuning fork. Every atom singing the same note. Mind and body in synch in a way he hasn't truly allowed himself for... a long time.

Maybe not ever.

Saeran's nails dig achingly deeper, as if to say "I asked a question"

(He wants me to say what my body's already saying, doesn't he...)

"I've..." God, how do you put this stuff in words? "...never in my life wanted someone...as much as I want you... I... I want to break apart and be put back together with you inside, forever... Saeran... I want to hold you and kiss you and I want..."

He whimpers. Can he say it out loud? Will it break the spell? This little bubble of _them,_ alone in the universe, free at last...?

Or is this the last line of the spell, that will keep them inside this private world where nothing is forbidden forever? "I want to touch... you all over... u-until you... ah... uh..." Saeran's touch pushes him forward, and Saeyoung wishes he could see his face, but he writhes against the sensation of his brother's nails and buries his face in the bed a moment, burning with lust and embarrassment tinged with the desire to see this through, to say the last words of this forbidden spell. He may be muffled, but it's still clear:

"I want to touch you until... I-I want to make you come... that's... what... I was thinking.”


	6. Don't cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In his mind, he thinks one thing. In his heart, there's only one feeling._
> 
> _(I love you...)_
> 
> _...though perhaps even deeper than that, a darker need._
> 
> _(Stay... always.)_
> 
> **Smut continues.**
> 
> Saeyoung's just expressed to his twin that he wants to make him come, and Saeran's only further encouraged by it.
> 
> Everything continues to escalate, but then Saeyoung begins to worry he's manipulating his twin... that he doesn't deserve this...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I (Saeyoung's writer) tend to use "come" for orgasm and "cum" for the actual ejaculate - I've seem both used interchangeably, but just clarifying how it's used here!

**Saeran**

A thrill sparks up Saeran's spine, and he presses his hand further up to cup Saeyoung's ass, squeezing. Those words... turn him on to an insane degree.

But something in Saeyoung's tone, the way he presses his face intro the bed, implies that it's dirty.

Strange... he's never felt anything more pure. "Ah... does it bother you?" His fingers curl around Saeyoung's ass cheek. It's firm yet supple, and the sensation of it is oddly stress relieving. "Are you afraid?"

If he is... Saeran will comfort him.

"I, ah... I understand if you are." It's an all too familiar feeling. Overwhelming want and desire... It's only natural when given the chance, they'd hold back from wanting to go as far as they can. The extent of their need... is terrifying.

Was it always going to be this way? Since when had these desires been lurking in their hearts? The need to share both body and soul? Certainly, it had to be from even before Saeyoung joined him on the couch...

"How long?" he asks, though it's rhetorical and more to himself.

Saeran still can't pinpoint a beginning, just as he can't see the end of this.

Perhaps because he doesn't want this to end.

If they go through with this... it would need to keep going in perpetuity.

Not a one-off, a brief connection then forever lost.

The thought pulls him closer to Saeyoung, his anxiety getting the better of him. His fingers splay and smooth down to the cord of the garter belt, tracing its outline.

They're... already so close, it should be enough.

It isn't.

All he has to do is snap this cord, strip his brother of his last remaining defences, and they'll...

They'll match.

Two halves, brought together.

"I want that, too," he murmurs, nudging his brother's cheek with his nose and whispering into Saeyoung's ear.

**Saeyoung**

The words send Saeyoung pressing his face into the bed harder, not so much shame now as the feeling that as soon as he turns, it's all over.

He won't have any will left to do anything but...

...give in to his own... and his brother's... desires.

It's okay, right? He said...

...he wants it too.

He wants _Saeyoung_ to... make him...

His hands twitch and he forces himself to not just roll over and grab his brother now, pin him and push him and penetrate him and –

"Yeah..." he turns his head just a little, still feeling that hot breath in his ear.

"I'm scared..." He presses against Saeran's touch. "I'm scared that when it comes to you, I don't have a limit. There's nothing I don't want to give you... or take from you... I want all of you. I don't know when..."

The locked-up memories in his head rattle again, but once again he ignores them. Though his next words cut close to the truth.

His voice quiets. "Maybe always." He takes another, shaky breath. "I've never, ever, stopped wanting more of you. And I'm afraid... and now that you've said that... if I..." He finally turns his head, giving him a view of Saeran's arm by his side, his shoulders... and he knows as soon as he sees those eyes.... "If I embrace you now, I'm not holding anything back. I won't be able to."

Saeran's half-lidded eyes are so beautiful. To get to see him make a face like this...

"So... are you okay with that?"

**Saeran**

Is that even a question?

No... he supposes it is, with their history.

"... that's... what I wanted to hear..." Saeyoung’s too-sweet voice, his impossible promises... Saeran wants to hear it more.

So if this is what it takes to have Saeyoung stay with him... if they can keep this up...

He'll gladly agree.

"So..." he continues, deft fingers unfastening the garter belt’s suspender.

"…it's fine."

Down comes one stocking, to Saeyoung's knee.

"It makes me happy..." Saeran says, pressing his mouth to Saeyoung's jaw now, before pulling back. Making eye contact. His expression is practically glowing.

**Saeyoung**

God, his eyes...

It's like Saeyoung's heart stops beating at that moment. It doesn't need to any more. He doesn't need anything else to live. His twin's eyes... so deep and so beautiful... different to his own, but at the core... The same need... The same love...

He doesn't want to break contact with those eyes. So he holds that gaze, revelling in the sensation of his one exposed leg... and brings a hand to his mouth, pushing his own fingers inside it and messily licking, moistening them with his spit.

(Watch me... leave any pretence behind... my one and only...)

His other hand mirrors his brother’s earlier actions, stroking down his back to cup his ass. It feels so natural. How had he doubted...

He pulls his fingers wetly from his mouth.

"Then I'm..."

He squeezes, and then pulls Saeran into him, feeling that heat and growing dampness against his leg. "...not holding back."

The hand on Saeran's ass curls, pulling at the band of his underwear roughly. It travels around to the front, finally freeing him - though he barely pulls the fabric lower than needed to get the access he wants.

He watches Saeran's eyes, and the way his mouth opens, the tip of his tongue at his lips. Then his other hand, slick and lubricated with his spit, grasps his brother's cock, fingers encompassing it entirely.

"I love you, Saeran-ah..." he whispers, as his brother's face fills him with affection and an even deeper hunger. And he strokes, slowly... much more slowly that he knows Saeran will want... always watching... watching that face... listening to his breathing...

He lets his hands linger every time he reaches the tip, until his brother desperately pushes forwards. Only then does Saeyoung let him experience that feeling of penetration.

Saeran's head tilts backwards, and Saeyoung is there, tracing one long, wet lick from his collarbone to his chin, then biting his brother's lower lip. "I love you..."

**Saeran**

Saeyoung moves fast, much faster than Saeran had anticipated - yet also not fast enough. Cock already sensitive from neglect, the slow stimulation barely even takes Saeran to the edge he so desperately needs. Brought off balance, he can't quite respond - words leaving him.

Instead, all he can do is gasp against his brother's mouth.

(Unfair...)

Those words are practically a cheat, and now all of Saeran's defences are down.

What did he expect, when he gave his twin permission to do as he liked?

Saeran doesn't dislike it. It's tempting to just lie back, to let Saeyoung shower him with all the love in the world.

(...maybe another time.)

Here and now, it's important to reciprocate. Practically a sacred duty, to witness how their completeness fills Saeyoung with joy.

Though words have failed him, Saeran can get creative. He has his ways. The first being, getting rid of that dress for good.

After that, the only difficult part is pulling it down... over Saeyoung's dick. Saeran practically relishes gently pressing a palm to his brother’s panties (He sure commits to character) his other hand dragging the dress over his brother's thighs.

Every action of his, every twitch in muscle and blink of an eye, is filled with deep affection - and the way Saeran treats Saeyoung's erection is the same, hands reverently slipping if out of its lace prison and mirroring the strokes his twin had just taunted him with.

But instead of a bite, he chases Saeyoung's mouth with a kiss, deep and devoted in the way only he can be.

In his mind, he thinks one thing. In his heart, there's only one feeling.

(I love you...)

...though perhaps even deeper than that, a darker need.

(Stay... always.)

**Saeyoung**

At home, alone, lonely, and in between missions, Saeyoung could let himself go for hours, absently touching himself, comforting himself, sometimes never even fully getting to release... sometimes he'd joke to himself he was just trying to be a good Catholic.

But it wasn't that.

There were so few things that would send him over the edge...

Once, after the first RFA party... Zen was pretty touchy, for such a loudly heterosexual guy. Well, it's not like you can't be close with friends, but that was the first time they'd met, and...

…at home, after the party, in the dark. He flipped through a few photos from the party, and then, when he got to one of Zen looking right down through the camera, right at _him._

It was a pretty decent orgasm.

But...

This...

Saeran touching him like this. How long had something inside him been wanting this?

If he sped up even a little... god, if Saeyoung lets his focus on stimulating his twin even a little... It's going to be messy, for sure. Then he imagines it.

Saeran, beside him.

Skin slick with Saeyoung's cum.

Running his finger through it and-

Fuck... FUCK...

He pants out the words in between the hungry kisses Saeran is pinning him with.

"Saeran... you... I'm going to... if you keep... I'm gonna..."

**Saeran**

"Don't-" Saeran manages, on an impulse. Catching himself, Saeran's cheeks somehow colours more deeply, and he has the mindfulness to look embarrassed to demand that when it's his fault his twin is so close. Reluctantly he draws back, taking a breath to clear his head.

It had been so easy to get caught up in the touch and the intimacy. To give as good as he got. Saeran shivers, feeling the absence all the more keenly now he's been so aroused. It would be so easy to just ignore Saeyoung, to give in to the pleasure clouding his mind...

Saeran's long since reached the point where he needs Saeyoung more than he needs air. His body demands it, screams he won't survive without being as close as they can be.

But the romantic within him protests. "For... the first time at least, we should... come together."

Hearing it out loud serves to embarrass Saeran further. He really just said that. He can't exactly ask Saeyoung to forget it either. Better to just embrace that fact. It would be hypocritical to deny the feelings involved in this anyway.

Bringing the hand that was on Saeyoung’s cock up to his brother's chest, Saeran presses it against his twin's heart. Seeking it.

Would it be strange to admit he feels and urge to carve their chests open and exchange their organs?

 ... a little gruesome, at least.

**Saeyoung**

At first Saeyoung's main focus is just on breathing deeply, and thinking hard about...

...cold showers... icebergs... a planet without cats... the centre of a black hole... NO TOO MUCH SUCTION IN THOSE GO BACK TO THE SHOWER THING but then when he hears Saeran's suggestion...

(...god... he's so cute)

He can't help but bring up both his hands to wrap his brother in a tight hug.

"You're... so..." "SO!" He buries his face in his brother's hair and kisses him repeatedly, finally releasing him again after a shower of affection.

The surprise and the sudden extra-protective feeling washing over him really helps dim the persistent throbbing from his groin. "Saeran, Saeran... I didn't think I could want to hold onto you and never let go any more than I already did, but..." Another squeeze.

When they die, he hopes they're buried in the same grave. Every last atom fused together. And from their merged bodies, flowers...

Maybe he should keep that mental image to himself.

This protective feeling... this cute side of his brother...it's bringing up old memories, is all

He brings himself back to the moment, focusing his eyes on his twin's face. "You have me balanced on a narrow ledge, haha. Maybe I should focus on you then, for a while, hmmm?"

For the first time since this entire encounter began, he grins. Widely.

Something about his brother's plea...

He rolls on top of his twin, pinning him down against the bed.

He wants to bring Saeran close to the edge and hold him there, too.

He wants to hear Saeran beg in the voice he just used...

"I wonder how many sensitive places we share...?" he asks, still smiling into his brother's breathless expression.

He wriggles down, and begins to nibble and lick at the line between Saeran's hip and leg, just below his stomach. He's always been a little ticklish there.

Ticking is one thing... but when teeth are involved. The feeling is very different, he finds.

His hands move to Saeran's hips, too, caressing and squeezing. He shifts his kisses and nibbles from one hip to the other, every few kisses pausing to tease, his mouth hovering over Saeran's dick but never enclosing it, always moving back to his waist to tease and torment some more.

**Saeran**

Utterly overwhelmed by Saeyoung's burst of affection, he has no chance to mention that he is already pretty close too. Ah, but then when his brother smiles at him so brightly... Nothing else seems to matter.

Dark thoughts chased away to the very corners of his mind, Saeran only feels arousal when Saeyoung pushes him down. The same smile on his brother's face exciting, a promise of what's to come.

He wants Saeyoung to smile like that every day.

Hands naturally placing themselves in the red mess of Saeyoung's wavy hair, more and more Saeran finds himself twisting and tugging and his brother works him up.

(How does he...?)

Each kiss and nip feels so precise. Were their bodies truly the same to that extent?

Which begs the question: Exactly how did Saeyoung learn about THIS? It wasn't something you learned on your own. He had gathered his brother wasn't a virgin, but...

But.

Jealousy strikes anyway. He doesn't want to share this intimacy with anyone else.

The feeling is powerful enough to overcome the effectiveness of a particularly drawn out tease, though his hips rise in need anyway. Barely knowing the words to start, not when an insistent side of him begs for more, after a few false starts -

"Oh... ple- Hyung... you..." Okay, maybe it's not a very promising beginning. He's trying. "You... have done this a lot."

There we go.

It doesn't even sound terrible, stating a fact more than an accusation.

Saeran doesn't want to fight.

He wants... he _wants_ everything. Everything Saeyoung has to give.

**Saeyoung**

The statement causes Saeyoung to pause and lift himself up so that he can see his brother's expression. Even though, he can already _feel_ it.

(He's not... wrong.)

Depending on the definition of "a lot".

Now isn't the time to start tallying numbers, though.

Then the realisation he'd had back on the couch comes back to him. He smiles. And brings himself in line with Saeran again, retaining his position on top, kissing his brother's forehead softly. "You know... at the time, I didn't think about what it could mean... How any time... I've done any of those sorts of things... I always thought about you... And... in my heart, every time, I apologised to you..."

His face grows serious. "...I'm sorry."

**Saeran**

Saeran can tell Saeyoung means it. Rather than relief, he feels guilt. Which is progress from the usual defensive bitterness, but still not ideal.

He doesn't deserve his brother. He's done much worse, and cursed his twin in the process.

In comparison, his twin was a saint that had no reason to apologize. The thought tempers his arousal.

(Shouldn't I be the one saying sorry? I have no right...)

But Saeran feels his brother's love and acceptance. Has since the start, even when he was trying to kill him.

Saeran just has to try living up to that. His brother might be fine with unconditional love, but Saeran was not.

Not unless... he wanted to become just like that woman. Pointedly, he wraps his arms around his brother's neck.

Despite their past, it was still nice to hear how Saeyoung thought of him. How he was just as obsessed, though Saeran's obsession had been twisted. He presses his body up. Needing that nearness now more than ever.

"It doesn't matter... now we have each other."

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung can feel the mixed reaction to his words rising up from his brother, and embraces him again, pressing his lips against his twin's neck. "I need you. I need _you_ Saeran." And he thinks of some of the things he's done in the past... and doing them... with Saeran.

He lifts Saeran up, wiggling forwards, so that his brother is nestled against the bed pillows, upper body just a little raised. He spends a few seconds fussing over the arrangement, making sure his brother is comfortable. "Let me show you..."

Then he leaves a trail of kisses starting from Saeran's neck all the way to his inner thigh, then turns his head, and gripping his twin's buttocks, positions his mouth over Saeran's cock. He breathes, shakily. "Saeran... it's you...I want..." And takes him into his mouth.

**Saeran**

Well, Saeran thinks that Saeyoung at least _believes_ he needs him. He knows better, of course. He knows very well Saeyoung needs someone far better to complete him.

But Saeran's selfish, and willing to seduce his own brother to keep him as close as he can.

Which certainly isn't to say he doesn't want this. Saeran definitely does, and isn't sure he can live without it anymore. The kisses are practically being seared into his very soul.

It's almost cruel how much Saeyoung's words seem to resonate through his skin in fact. Especially when he feels that blessed mouth on his dick, warm and hungry and leaving Saeran so very vulnerable to a man he wasn't sure he could ever be that way with again.

It's enough to make Saeran choke up, arching back into the bed as Saeyoung's mouth services him so lovingly.

In spite of himself, the intimacy moves him to the point of tears. "Ah... aaah..." But he doesn't want to stop. He can't let himself leave. He...

He embraces Saeyoung how he can, hands moving back to his twin's hair and carding through it, leg curling up against his side. It's awkward, but worth it.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung is relieved with his brother's reaction, although there's an underlying tension he's holding through his core that doesn't feel like it's connected with what's currently happening.

Is he just going way too fast? Once he was in (uh, metaphorically) he was committed...

But it feels like he slipped up somehow. (I mean...) - he shifts his pace, moving to long licks along the shaft, holding it steady with his hands – (...Saeran's not NOT enjoying this... )

(Did I say the wrong things, though?) (Maybe I really am pushing him too hard...)

A small, childish thought rises up: he touched you first!

(Yeah, but I asked him to...)

(And also...)

(On the couch...)

(I...)

The certainty he had before starts to waver even as he continues.

Saeran's right... ...he _has_ done this a lot.

(Is he just going along with this because... I...)

He'd been crying. And. He'd been the one pressing his hard-on into his sleeping twin before (I didn't intend-) whether intentional or not. (Maybe it's just because I'm so fucked up, but-)

...it's not the incestuous nature of their coupling that is weighing on him (it really should, it SHOULD, but...) ...more his own potential responsibility for ...maybe ...possibly grooming his younger brother?

(Is… is that what I’m doing? I started this… didn’t I?)

He pauses.

Now that he's started thinking like this...

....was the whole thing about giving up responsibility that felt so freeing earlier just him quietly talking himself around this? There's... a lot that goes on in his head.

Wearing the maid outfit...he wanted to make him smile, right?

Or did some part of him... think that might... make Saeran see him a different way.

Fuck.

FUCK.

He doesn't know.

He looks up at his brother's flushed expression.

"Saeran... am I... forcing myself on you?"

ᶠᵘᶜᵏ

ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜʳʸ

ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜʳʸ

ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜʳʸ


	7. Come together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[Smut intensifies]**
> 
> _"Hey, Saeran._   
>  _"You want to come together... right?"_   
>  _"Then..." He traces Saeran's lower lip with a smile, continuing to stimulate his brother's cock with his other hand._   
>  _"Show me how you'd suck my dick."_
> 
> Saeran addresses Saeyoung's fears that he's being pressured into this, and they... continue to escalate.

**Saeran**

(He thinks I'd do this if I didn't want to...?)

Saeran tends to like surprises, but he could do without this one.

Groaning, he moves a hand up to rub at his face and trying to unpack the heat in his veins from the thoughts in his head and the conflicting emotion he can feel practically seeping off his brother.

"Really...?"

Saeran isn't unsympathetic. He thinks he understands where this might be coming from. It's just a very difficult time to bring it up.

Come to think of it, someone once mentioned that the big ideas came just before bed and... Well. Never mind that.

Back on the topic of whether this was forced... Saeran can't help but chuckle somewhat darkly.

"This is nowhere near forced..."

He would know. He probably knows far, far more about what doing that feels like than Saeyoung ever will.

And now he’s made his twin... his other half, worry.

He's not doing a very good job of this, is he?

(Airhead.)

Fighting back his shame, Saeran opts instead to brush a hand along the line of Saeyoung's cheek. Craving that contact, though they haven't been separated much at all.

He just... wants to stay with Saeyoung like this, forever.

Whether or not he merits it is another matter.

"Listen to me,"

It's important, that Saeyoung listens.

"I said I wanted this. I know how it is to be forced into something. I'd be the first to fight against it now. So don't ever think that way."

That isn't addressing the root of the problem though. Saeran can feel it, Just like how he wasn't convinced of being told he was needed, Saeyoung might need more convincing than simply being told that Saeran was fine.

It leaves Saeran at a loss. This isn't something he knows how to handle.

"Or, just... talk to me. Tell me why you think that way."

**Saeyoung**

Saeran's touch on his neck is reassuring, and his words are... _sort of_ reassuring...

His brother is an adult after all...

But...

"I... I think I've known how much... I think I've loved you... like this... a long time. And..."

He decided to stop having a conversation directly next to Saeran's dick, and shuffles up to nestle himself in the space between his arm and chest.

"Even if I didn't realise... what if I've been... forcing my feelings on you somehow and... what if I've been trying to seduce you this whole time? Even if my intentions..."

He sighs. "I... when I was lying next to you before, you didn't notice but... it made me hard then, too. And. I thought I was just trying to make you smile with these clothes, but, was I in some way trying to seduce you then too?"

He keeps his eyes low.

"It's just... you got uncomfortable just now and I realised... maybe you're just letting me be selfish... maybe you... just want to protect me. I've been the one... escalating everything. I don't... want to push you, Saeran."

He closes his eyes completely.

"Or maybe I just feel like I don't deserve this and you're just realising that too. And you just don't know how to tell me yet. I don't want you to suffer any more because of me."

He can feel tears prickling at the back of his eyes again.

"I should be the one to suffer..."

**Saeran**

The way Saeran shifts to face Saeyoung is incredibly natural, tangling their legs together and hand following Saeyoung's movement to rest on his twin's hip.

Subconsciously, he draws comforting circles with his thumb into Saeyoung's skin.

"...you're thinking too much."

Maybe Saeran was guilty of that too. Of course, he was blaming himself as well for this turn of events...

"Actually, my emotions are all over the place too. I keep wondering how I deserve you... how I'm taking advantage of you..."

"We really are twins."

In fact, it's like their thoughts and feelings had connected to such a degree they ended up thinking basically the same depressing things. It makes Saeran smile, though his heart aches at their self-sabotage.

"So – what do we do?"

**Saeyoung**

Comforted, Saeyoung curls into his brother and turns his words over in his mind a couple times.

"I don't know. I'm... all over the place, huh?"

"How about..."

He presses his forehead against Saeran's.

"...kiss me..."

His voice soft.

"...please...”

**Saeran**

Automatically, Saeran moves in to do so - and stops short of their mouths meeting, hands tightening on his brother’s hip.

"As long as you promise not to stop... for real, this time," he says, voice low.

He can't take much more of this to-and-fro-ing.

**Saeyoung**

"...okay"

His lips tingle at their closeness.

"...I promise."

**Saeran**

"Thank you." Saeran murmurs, pressing the words to Saeyoung's mouth, thereby sealing the promise with a kiss.

There's no getting out of it now.

Not if Saeyoung really wanted something to feel bad about.

Besides, he asked.

The kiss is more than just a promise though. It's a connection, the very same he and Saeyoung had been dancing along before. Skin-to-skin, breath-to-breath, Saeran tries to focus his will into it. To banish any doubt from both their minds that it was something given falsely.

To simply... be himself, with the one he loves the most in the world. Finally, able to grasp that which he holds so dear, without their qualms getting in the way. He sighs into the kiss, content and heart full. He desperately hopes Saeyoung feels the same.

**Saeyoung**

After so many false starts...

...now Saeyoung doesn't feel any lingering hesitation from his twin...

He lets this kiss stay light, as if it'll raise him up, too.

He might have gotten carried away, when Saeran didn't run from him a second time...

 ...he might have been a little pent up.

And he'd been hoping so long to reforge their bond...

(I just needed to take a breath and be sure. Really sure.)

He doesn't have to rush. Saeran isn't pushing him away. So he lets the pure, warm, familiar feeling from their tangled arms and legs wash over him, and kisses his other half again and again, each kiss slow and soft and full of his resolution: To let Saeran make his own decisions.

And... trust them when he makes them. He's not sure how much time passes this way. But more than anything that has gone before...

He's starting to lose sense of whose limb is whose... where one touch ends and another begins.

Finally... Together.

**Saeran**

More than ever before, Saeran feels validated. It's as if something shifted between them, and there's now a trust on an intrinsic level that there never was before. It grips at him.

Lying peacefully as they are is a dream - but there's a demand in his heart.

The person Saeran now is needs to act. Requires so much more than just being at the side of his soul mate. Losing themselves in each other could go beyond just this.

(Please, please...)

(I need you.)

(I can't wait anymore.)

(Every second is...)

(Come home to me.)

He presses his leg up Saeyoung's thighs, dangerously close to his cock. Lips no longer seek his brother's mouth, but instead trail across his jaw covetously.

If Saeyoung had plans to take things slow, Saeran certainly has other ideas by now.

He's been patient enough.

**Saeyoung**

He feels the sudden change in his brother's energy immediately, communicated through every atom. And his awareness is brought back to his own body somewhat abruptly as he feels the pointed pressure of Saeran's change is posture. And then those kisses...

"Ah..."

Saeyoung clings to Saeran, pressing back up against him.

"Saeran...hhh"

He feels his heart rate start to climb again at the intention Saeran waves into his every little movement.

This time... he lets Saeran continue without trying to take over.

(I’ll let him guide me to what he wants rather than trying to show him what I _think_ he wants.)

**Saeran**

The feedback loop between them is no longer strange, but magnetic. Saeran feels himself drawn to Saeyoung's skin, worshipping it with kisses and relishing in the echo of pleasure it gives him too.

He... could get addicted to this.

Saeyoung's passivity doesn't go unnoticed though. It's paired with a contained anticipation Saeran that is unfamiliar with.

(What is he waiting for...?)

It isn't the same as a cleansing. While those had often been drawn out, there was no relying on Saeran to lead. He just did.

Those times he used much more force too, making the other party submit to him.

Does... Saeyoung expect that? Is he giving in? The thought disturbs Saeran, and he takes his brother's hand. Squeezing it.

(No... this is different.)

He believes not just in his brother's words, but the heartbeat shared between them. It's almost too much. It had made Saeran cry.

Which is why he knows, he needs to give Saeyoung something more reassuring too. He had been crying as well, hadn't he...

Saeran kisses back up Saeyoung's face, gently placing a kiss at the corner of each eye. Chasing the tears away. And he drags his brother's captured hand to his chest.

"Touch me... make me yours."

(Stop holding back. You said you would. You promised not to stop.)

"Please."

He wants to come together. He knows Saeyoung does too.

"It would make me... so happy..."

There's no disguising that fact. All his defences are long gone. He's not trying to make up for something through doing this.

No, right now Saeran let's himself simply need.

**Saeyoung**

This gentler negotiation of their earlier conversation is just what Saeyoung needs to hear. The line between taking the lead and pushing someone... in this situation... before, he'd taken Saeran at his word hungrily, already knowing the answer he wanted.

This time, he felt like he'd truly cleared his head, leaving room to really listen to his brother, and be able to fully trust he was hearing - not just his own desire colouring things.

"Yeah... that's what I want..."

He frees himself gently from their embrace to once again hold himself above Saeran. He looks down at his twin, face to face. His eyes practically glow golden, his naturally long lashes and the sweeps of mascara along their edges making them difficult to look away from.

His messy red hair hangs down loosely, and it tickles Saeran's cheek as he leans even closer. His erection, which he'd practically forgotten during their soft negotiation, twitches as a thrill goes through his body at the words he's about to say.

"I want to take you... I want to possess you..." he lets a hand trail down his brother's side to gently grasp his cock "I want to open myself up and replace my insides with you..."

He begins to stroke Saeran again, as the muscles in his supporting arm tense to keep him upright.

His brother's immediate reaction to regaining his touch is gratifying, as Saeyoung watches his eyes half close and lips part.

Before. He'd just let his lust make his decisions.

But now his mind is fully on board, too. So he teases, squeezes and strokes, enjoying every face he is able to elicit from Saeran.

After enjoying this for a time, he sits up, still straddling his twin, one hand still on his cock, his own dick now pressed up beside it, each stroke of Saeran giving him small bursts of stimulation as well.

But now he has his other hand free.

Still slowly, carefully eliciting all the expressions he can from his twin, he begins to trace the outline of Saeran's lips with his free hand. Then he gently pushes one long finger past the barrier of his twin’s lips, pressing down on his tongue, as Saeran pants around it.

Saeyoung can feel that hungry side of himself surfacing again, as he watches his brother squirm, his mouth now wide open, unable to make any comprehensible sound as his tongue lies trapped under his brother's finger.

"Oh, that's a good face..." Saeyoung murmurs.

His twin groans and pushes against him, and Saeyoung locks an image of this vulnerable Saeran in his heart... totally open to him. Wanting him, wholly.

He slides his finger so that the tip rests on Saeran's bottom lip.

"Hey, Saeran... You want to come together... right? Then..." He traces Saeran's lower lip with a smile, continuing to stimulate his brother's cock with his other hand.

"Show me how you'd suck my dick."

**Saeran**

Saeran can't look away. Enraptured by the curve of his brother's eyes and the way shadows fall across his skin.

He had always known his brother was the good looking one, but now there is no envy. Only pride. This is his.

But it's Saeyoung's words that truly affect him.

There's no way to explain why - Saeran himself can admit the imagery is gruesome at best. But it's something about the extremity makes it intimate, dark impulses a reason for seduction rather than shame.

He shivers, and surrenders easily to Saeyoung in response.

Cock straining against his brother's palm, pre-cum drips down and turns the movement slick and unbearable. For a long moment every molecule of Saeran's existence is concentrated on that one sensation.

Distantly, he's aware of Saeyoung's finger on his lips, bruised as they are.

That sensitivity is something to relish, too. But Saeyoung is saying something in that honeyed voice of his, and Saeran manages to pull himself back from the brink, where only emotion and sensation ruled.

As easy it would be to stay there, Saeyoung's words...

(... they're a trap I'll fall for, again and again.)

Now is no different.

Saeran licks his lips, tongue running along Saeyoung's finger as he does. It wasn't intentional the first time, but when he sees how his twin shudders, the second time it certainly is.

Right. Saeyoung had said something about that...

Saeran glances down to his brother's dick, curious, and his mouth waters slightly just picturing it at his mouth instead.

Never before had he felt such a strong urge to give head, but today was full of discovery.

But his brother had asked for a demonstration, not the real deal, which in its own way was alluring too. To have his brother think of all Saeran could do to him was...

Saeran shudders again, and draws the digit into his mouth easily, tongue tracing the length of it.

Face flushed, Saeran does his best considering the distraction of the heat along his own cock. The result amateur, but what matters is the intent.

Saeyoung will want him with this, right...?

He presses the flat of his tongue under the pads of Saeyoung's again, licking it long and deliberately. Saliva begin to pools out the side of Saeran's mouth, but he pays it no mind - more eager to fuck Saeyoung's finger with his mouth.

Unbeknownst to himself, Saeran makes quite the sight like this: hair dishevelled, face glowing with colour.

His eyes were already dangerous, an unearthly green, but now they're deadly in the way they look at Saeyoung - glassy from bliss only this sort of closeness can give.

And they'll only ever look at Saeyoung that way. This will ever only be something between them.

**Saeyoung**

"Fuck..."

That expression on his brother's face...

...makes him want to let himself go all the way already...

Imagining his brother's making a face... like that...

... with Saeyoung REALLY inside him...

"...fuck..." he repeats, voice shaking.

Saeran...

...looks _sexy_...

"God..."

He keeps his finger in place, hypnotised by his own movements and Saeran's expression.

"Saeran... you're gorgeous... and so... lewd..."

He leans down again, only his ab strength keeping him from collapsing into his brother now. It's not exactly comfortable but he's far too horny to care.

"I want to be the only one who gets to see...this beautiful face..." he croons, rocking his hips in time with Saeran's lapping.

God...

He had no idea how turned on his brother could make him, looking like this. And there's something so good being able to WATCH like this... in a way he couldn't if his dick was getting sucked.

Enjoying that raw dizzy enthusiasm...

Damn...

That face...

He can't help himself. He lies down, slightly on his side, slightly overlapping Saeran, hands still very occupied.

He eyes the drool beginning to leak from the corner of Saeran's mouth and drags his own tongue from Saeran's chin to the corner of his mouth, shivering with pleasure as he tastes his brother's ecstasy and fervour, revelling in the long string of drool that connects them as he pulls away again.

No. It's. That's not enough. _More._

He leans in again, and joins his brother messily, caressing his brother's tongue with his own, as if they were sharing the task of sucking dick together, although slowly he withdraws his finger entirely but keeps doing his best to mess Saeran up even more, kissing him loosely and licking up his cheek, leaving him slick with both sweat and spit.

He pulls back.

Saeran... he really looks...

"So... fucking... hot… Saeran..."

He sits up again, and moves his brother's hand to his own cock.

"Touch me... Saeran... let's..."

**Saeran**

Hearing Saeyoung lose it, extolling praises over and over, is...

It makes Saeran feed powerful, yet exposed - he is none of those things, but in this brief moment he can be. He achieved the focus he was looking for, but its intensity is no joke.

When Saeyoung starts kissing him, Saeran finds himself lost again in their contact. The fluid of their bodies mix, intermingling just like their souls, and it's a mess that Saeran doesn't feel like untangling.

Which makes Saeyoung pulling away all the more a loss.

But the way his brother begs for his touch, oh. It's so sweet. He isn't satisfied with just touching though - no, Saeran has better ideas.

Grasping the head of Saeyoung's cock gently, Saeran shifts and dips his head down to mouth it, finally able to taste the real thing.

**Saeyoung**

!!

He - he didn't e -

ex -

expe-

\- ah

e -

 - God

"Sae-ahhh"

 "AHHHHH...oh...."

 - this is a surprise.

He leans back to fully take in Saeran's beautiful, fucking beautiful face, covered in everything they've been doing together, flushed and damp and...

...god...

It's not the first time he's...

... but there's no question that it's never... he's never -

"god, Saeran, ahh, AHH- I-I'm trying to hold back but y-you're so-"

\- felt so utterly ON FIRE with sensations like this.

It's not just because of what they're doing. It's because it's HIM.

He doesn't want to restrict Saeran's motion, but he does want to touch him - now that his twin is bent over like this...

He runs his hands softly over his brother's hair... mostly red, now, though pink at the very tips.

Lightly placing his hands onto his twin’s shoulders, touching his skin - he glances down again, to see his Saeran rise enough that he gets one good, long glimpse at his dick covered with his brother's spit, before, with a wave of pleasure, his twin pushes down onto it again.

AHHH-

"Saeran."

On the precipice of orgasm a second time, his voice is almost a guttural growl.

"If you don't want me to shoot my load down that beautiful throat of yours right now, then-"

He tangles the fingers of one hand in the back of his hair and gently pulls - despite the fact that all he wants to do right now is push his head back down, thrust upwards, and fill his brother's mouth...

"Then show me that gorgeous face again... and let me taste it... let me taste me on your perfect lips..."

**Saeran**

"Hmmmm..."

Saeran hums around Saeyoung's cock, as if considering it. Mostly just to see how that makes Saeyoung come undone though, thoroughly enjoying the response.

Besides, there's something about how Saeyoung's cock fits his mouth, the taste and texture of it, that's....

Delicious.

Intoxicating.

Glancing up under heavy eyelashes, Saeran allows himself to admire the raw physicality of his twin too. The golden tone of his skin practically glistens...

And the red of his mouth is that of a ripe cherry. Ah... He wants to taste that too.

It makes complying with Saeyoung a little easier. Rising off Saeyoung with an audible wet _smack,_ Saeran licks his lips again and smiles. It's not a pure one.

No, this smile is dark and mischievous, like he's gotten away with something fun but bad and knows it. Namely: teasing Saeyoung to the brink of an orgasm even though the whole point right now is to come together.

A small retribution for Saeyoung stopping earlier.

Satisfied, Saeran crawls forward onto Saeyoung's lap, erection pressing into his twin's stomach pointedly. Another way of torturing Saeyoung ever so sweetly, as he brings their mouths together for a kiss.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung hungrily joins with Saeran again, the slightly bitter salty taste of his own sweat mixed in with the sweeter flavour of his brother's mouth. The mouth he wanted so badly to fill with his dick again, with his cum... see it dribble out of the corners...

then lean in...

...for an even filthier embrace.

(I have to keep my imagination under control or I'm REALLY not going to be able to keep my promise with Saeran)

His hands easily find his brother’s cock, and he strokes, as his tongue seeks out every trace of himself mixed in with his brother's sweet mouth... panting out words in in-between breaths:

"I can't... take much more... Saeran... let me... I want to lick myself off of you and press my lips against yours... I want to feel you paint my body with your orgasm... Saeran... let me taste it... please... you're too fucking... beautiful... I can't... last..."

**Saeran**

This is exactly what Saeran wants to hear. Wants to _feel._  His own neglected cock pulses in Saeyoung's hands, and he seeks out Saeyoung's in return mirroring every touch.

All things considered, it's no wonder his answer is a simple demand:

"Then... come."

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung shivers at the words.

Then -

then -

"I -"

He thrusts his tongue in and out of Saeran's wet, used mouth, wanting as much of himself to be in contact with his twin when he -

"S-Sae-!"

He was hoping for a mess.

He is not disappointed.

The constant build up, the teasing - the resulting orgasm has him almost choking as he shoots a rope of cum into the space between their entwined bodies, twitching and aching and RELIEF at last.

Some has definitely managed to hit the pillows behind Saeran, somehow.

He'll probably want to sleep in his twin's bed tonight.

**Saeran**

At last. At last...!

The emotional and physical relief practically has Saeran sobbing into Saeyoung's mouth, while his own cum splatters across their stomachs. It's sticky and wet and Saeran doesn't even care.

It really is just like a dream...

The pleasure never seems to fade, skin still jolting wherever it meets Saeyoung's.

It's... not a bad sensation at all.

And they're so... so close, the closest they've ever been. Saeran's closed his eyes to concentrate on that fact alone.  
Ah...

He's never felt more alive than in this moment. Even as the buzz starts to fade, that fact doesn't change. It just clears his head a little and allows him to move, limbs less like jelly.

"...hyung..."

There's a lot of meaning packed into that one word.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung stops in his tracks as he hears his brother's exhausted, raw, _happy_ voice...

Silent tears... but, the good kind... start to leak from his eyes.

"You're so beautiful... my one and only brother..." he whispers, stroking his brother's hair with his less-sticky hand.

"...my love..."

The lust is slowly dissipating and leaving behind a lazy glow, but, he has one other thing he wants to do before... a number of things cool.

He extricates his other hand from where it rested between their bodies, and a coy, earthy smile curls the corner of his mouth.

"Saeran..." he says, looking with a twisted smile at the mixture of spit and sweat and cum suspended from his fingers. And he theatrically licks each finger, enjoying his brother's gaze as he does it.

"Now, you're part of me, Saeran..."

**Saeran**

Saeran watches the show with his lips parted, as if he's doing the exact same thing.

Really though...

Saeyoung was far more physical than he expected. His focus on the material bothered Saeran sometimes, but this was... A dependence.

Saeran knows how to recognize it. He depends a lot of things himself, to an excessive degree. But most of that is emotional in nature. That's why he's so certain...

"We've always been a part of each other, hyung."

Nice as it was, they didn't need sex to prove it.

All sex did... was realign them, giving their souls a way to communicate when words failed them and provide a new way discover themselves all over again after time too long apart and alone.

But they were always meant to be together. Saeran couldn’t go without it now.

And if Saeyoung depends on this to feel sure, to be genuine with his emotions... then so be it. Saeran is quite willing to provide.

He captures Saeyoung's hand partway through a lick, and leans in to give it a kiss on the palm. Mess and all.

**Saeyoung**

"Oh..." He lets his hand rest between them again, pressing himself closer once more. "I know..." He leaves a single sift kiss on his brother's cheek.

"But it feels like we really can't ever be pulled apart by anyone ever again now. Like we cast a spell."

He smiles, a gentle one this time. "I had to make sure we sealed it."

One more gentle kiss - just a light brush against his twin's lips.

"There," he says, pulling back to look with satisfaction. "Now it's unbreakable!"

**Saeran**

"Hm."

A beat.

"Are you sure?"

A smile.

"I need more convincing."

A hand reaching out, pulling Saeyoung ever close.

"Just to be sure it is..."

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung brings out his whinier voice - playful and cajoling. "Y-you... you don't trust my spell casting? You're so mean to me, jagiya~" He draws out the word the way Zen would, although the last vowel sound is muffled while he's still hamming it up, by Saeran's return kiss.

He doesn't take this one in hungrily like the kisses they'd only shared minutes earlier... this one is about an exchange of energy rather than fluids... Saeyoung gets that.

Saeran wants to feel his love blessed and protected, right? Not just praise of his body...

(Of course...)

(Of course, that's how I feel... you understand me, right?)

He focuses on sending every word through this soft, warm contact with his brother.

(You know... right?)

(I love you... inside and out...)

(I love you...)

(Saeran...)

(With every part of my soul...)

**Saeran**

Sometimes it isn't that deep. Sometimes you just want kisses and get more than you bargained for. Saeran gasps into Saeyoung's mouth, message received loud and clear. (His voice was in my head just now... I...) The emotions feel extra clear after what they'd just done - ringing like a crystal tone across their lips.

Oh...

He-

\- Ah.

He's crying.

Much like how Saeyoung had earlier, tears pure and happy drip down Saeran's face.

They don't seem to be stopping.

**Saeyoung**

The wetness against his face is warm, and just like his younger brother... so sweet...

(Ah...)

(My heart...)

(There's nothing missing anymore...)

He parts his legs so he can pull his twin even closer.

It's not like the bedsheets aren't going to need a wash after this anyway, so he grabs at the sheet behind him and pulls it over his head, draping it over Saeran's back. Then he wraps his arms around Saeran again, kissing him lightly, lovingly again and again.

Just the two of them wrapped in warmth.

He nuzzles Saeran playfully, rubbing his cheek with his own. "My love..." he says aloud, wonderingly.

Another nuzzle, another light kiss. "...my love..." he whispers, squeezing his brother tight.

They should go take a shower soon, right?

But...

... five more minutes...

...forever more minutes...

**Saeran**

The rest of the world seems to fall away, leaving only them in their tight embrace. Saeran can feel the beat of Saeyoung's heart against his chest...

(This wouldn't be a bad way to die.) Saeran thinks blissfully, as Saeyoung continues to kiss at his face.

There's no pain here. Only...

"My love."

It's an echo of Saeyoung's own words, but it feels like magic on Saeran's tongue.

Does Saeyoung have any idea of its power? How it ensnares him? This is a whole new spell, one never ends and gets stronger at every repetition.

"Do you have any clue... how much this bond affects me..."

Ah... but he's so grateful for it.

For Saeyoung and his heart and his magic.

For letting Saeran find himself without expectation, and for Saeyoung to allow himself the same.

Stealing a kiss or two of his own, Saeran nuzzles back into his twin. "Thank you... for giving me this."

**Saeyoung**

(I'm gonna die)

He's so cute.

HE'S SO CUTE!!

(I'M ALREADY DEAD AREN'T I)

(BUT SOMEHOW I WENT TO HEAVEN???)

Saeran sharing so much with him, especially this, all in one go and...

(I WAS NUZZLED)

If it's the afterlife, being dead is the best thing that ever happened to him.

But he's, somehow, alive. And this... is real. (REALLY REAL.)

It's hard to not just shower his brother in every loving phrase he's ever learned, in every language. Saeran gives him a kiss, he wants to return it a hundred times.

A word of love? He wants to write a novel.

He knows he can be draining, and overwhelming, and Too Much. He knows, but.

God.

HE'S SO CUTE!

If this were an animation, Saeyoung's eyes would be stars and he'd be surrounded by sparkles in soft focus. Instead he clings and wriggles in response to his brother's nuzzle, and hums something he used to sing to Saeran when they were children, awash in happiness.

He lets himself enjoy it a little longer... a little longer again... just a bit more...

...a yawn finally manages to escape. Voice dripping with reluctance to leave their nest, he mumblesinto Saeran's neck "I guess... we should probably shower... I kinda just wanna go to sleep with you right here but... we... probably should... right...?"

Then he smiles, warming to the idea. It could be nice, too... warm... purifying...

**Saeran**

While not as over-the-top as Saeyoung, it's not as if Saeran is completely calm either. His enthusiasm just expresses itself as rosy cheeks and soft intensity, where he doesn't take his eyes off Saeyoung even for a moment.

Really... his brother could be too charming.

Saeran wants to capture this moment forever. Sleeping simply isn't an option. No matter how tempting... But he has practice denying himself that much. (Though Saeyoung singing that song... doesn't help...)

Yet he doesn't want to ask Saeyoung to stop either.

So when Saeyoung suggests a shower, Saeran finds himself amiable to the idea. Like Saeyoung he doesn't really want to move, but... if it means basking in this feeling together a little longer...

Besides, it did just bring attention to how uncomfortably sticky they've gotten.

He yawns, and blinks, and nods.

"Alright... together?"

There's no way he'll let them separate at this moment. Not even for the bathroom.


	8. Time to clean up our act

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins shower together, and take turns washing each other. It's cute and playful and THEY DESERVE THE WORLD AAAAA T_T
> 
> _As children, neither of them had really thrown tantrums. Or complained. Because they already knew it would only result in immediate retribution... retribution that might resurrect again and again, during bad weeks._
> 
> _But now... Saeyoung lets out a whine. "Saeran-ahhhhhhhh[glub]"_
> 
> _He saw it coming, and had been given plenty of time to shut his mouth, but the spirit of his complaint was far more important to him than not getting a mouthful of soapy water from the cloth now pressed against his forehead._

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung smiles, happy to confirm.

"Yeah. Together."

Good thing their shower cubicle is the generous kind, not like what they had as children, where the showerhead was just suspended over the main bathroom sink, right next to the toilet, and the floor was always wet, the water almost as temperamental as their mother...

Saeyoung had only really learned how good showers could be when he went to college in the USA... his dorm mates complained about their somewhat aged shared shower, but it was miles ahead of what he'd known.

And here...

It had been an important factor in his choice of home. This will be the first nice shower they've ever shared since they were children.

Saeyoung presses his forehead against the younger twin's and wraps their fingers together like he's holding onto a precious beam of sunlight made tangible by an escaped dream.

"With you... it's gotta be with you."

**Saeran**

It's just a shower... is what Saeran almost says, but doesn't, since it's not just _anything_ with them anymore.

Everything they ever did together, will be doing together... or even if they're alone... all of that will change.

He can't wait to try it all.

The differences no longer scare him like they did.

"Yes... from now on, and even after the end."

Not even death could separate them now.

Squeezing Saeyoung's hands, Saeran lazily shoves the blanket off them both to lead Saeyoung to the bathroom.

**Saeyoung**

Being led by the hand by his brother, bare feet moving soundlessly over the floor, also brings back memories.

They could never hold hands as much as they wanted to, in case it set her off...

But there were plenty of times, not all of them bad at all, when they'd led each other - from room to room, and even, rarely, for a glimpse of the outside.

Outside...

Not now. Probably not today. But.

He wants to take Saeran outside. Not that they haven't been out since everything went down.

But... Well. Things are very different now.

Taking Saeran out to his favourite spot with a distant view of the city...

Going for a walk together...

Playing in snow together...

Under the night sky... ki-kissing...

(How did it take me so long to realise this desire...?)

(I mean…) Of course he would have kept it locked away.

"It's warm," he hears, with a tug at his hand, his brother's sweet voice bringing him back to reality. Saeran has already started the water running.

He smiles back, a mixture of love and relief that this isn't all part of his daydream.

**Saeran**

For his part, Saeran found gratification in leading his brother, especially when Saeyoung is comfortable enough to zone out as he does.

The implicit trust... It's not quite a turn-on, but it isn't a simple pleasure either.

Nevertheless, Saeran is content to let his brother's mind wander, more focused on the task at hand... and the satisfaction of holding hands, too. Once the water heats he calls for Saeyoung's attention when it is - only to be rewarded with the most radiant smile.

... it's dizzying...

Will Saeyoung always smile like that from now on? Saeran hopes so. He smiles back somewhat shyly, stepping under the water and dragging Saeyoung with him.

Before, showers had always been punishing things...

Something quick and cold. A tool to wake him up and come to his senses. To get back to the computers as soon as he can.

Or... absolutely scalding. When Mother got sick of his filth and forced him to scrub the dirt off.

Never nice. Never something to relish.

But now he was sharing such a moment with Saeyoung. A time when a person is at their most private and vulnerable... Another barrier between them, gone. But that's fine. That was the point.

(So why don't we wash each other?)

It would only add to their current intimacy.

The more Saeran thinks about it, the more he likes the idea. The temperature is hot enough to seep into his bones, but not hurt him. The beat of the pressure is just right, matching his heart. Seeing how the water cascades down Saeyoung's skin... It's the perfect chance.

Glancing away from Saeyoung for just a moment, Saeran locates soap and a cloth.

It would mean disentangling their hands... but it's a sacrifice he's willing to make.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung enjoys the feeling of his hair slowly flattening against his face in the warm water, the most behaved his hair will ever allow itself to be.

(I wanna wash Saeran's hair...)

But his twin is way ahead of him, already reaching for the shelf.

(Hmmm~)

As his brother turns around and their eyes meet, both his hands occupied carrying bathing things, Saeyoung gives in to temptation and plants a playful sneaky kiss on his brother's lips.

"Trying to clean up my act?" he teases, lightly placing his hands on his twin's hips.

Something about his brother having both his hands occupied just makes Saeyoung want to tease him. Touching him like this is already bringing a bit of a flush to his brother's cheeks, too - or maybe it's the hot water.

Either way. He's cute. CUTE.

"I'll wash you, too~"

But rather than letting Saeran go to move freely, he plants another series of kisses on Saeran's flushed face.

"Okay...that should sustain me through not getting to look at you for a couple minutes," he grins, "unless you wanna wash my back from here..." He feels so light.

**Saeran**

"... if you insist." Perhaps once Saeyoung's energy would have overwhelmed Saeran, but not any more. Now he can give as good as he gets. And he won't back down from a challenge.

Stepping closer, he wraps arms around Saeyoung's waist to begin lathering up his back.

Feeling Saeyoung stiffen against him, dragging the cloth tantalizingly down his spine... it's fun.

Saeran presses a grin into Saeyoung's collarbone, unable to keep from chuckling.

**Saeyoung**

(W-woah.)

He was NOT expecting Saeran to take him up on it so easily. ...not that he's complaining. He's being practically embraced, while getting a back wash from his one and only? The chuckle at his collarbone is a small gift, too.

Saeyoung glides his hands from Saeran's hips to the small of his back, fingers tracing small playful circles, an imitation of Saeran's own motions.

He's always enjoyed the sound of his voice in the shower, and naturally starts to hum again, the sound slightly different for being tempered by Saeran's contact with his chest.

His brother's lips still pressed up against his collarbone, Saeyoung turns his own head to give him a peck on the ear, enjoying the sensation of Saeran's wet hair on his face.

It smells sweet.

**Saeran**

Saeyoung's happiness practically radiates off him, and Saeran finds himself bathing in it more than the shower itself. How could he have gotten so lucky? It's a marvel.

The little displays of are a delight too, though Saeran knows he shouldn't be surprised by them. Yet somehow, he never truly expects it...

More reason to treasure them.

Taking his time in appreciating their proximity, Saeran slowly draws back from the embrace hand and cloth moving over Saeyoung's shoulders and to his chest.

He pauses.

Truly, it was unfair how attractive Saeyoung was. How unlike they were even though they're meant to match.

Beautiful... wasn't the right word, though Saeyoung liked to call Saeran that. Handsome fit better.

"My handsome brother..."

Ah. Did he say that out loud!?

**Saeyoung**

For half a second, with the echoes around them and the sound of his own cheerful humming, Saeyoung almost mistakes the words for an auditory hallucination. A figment of his own imagination - it's easy enough as it is for him to slip into daydreams.

And with this warm water, low levels of sleep and recent exertions, let alone the soothing touches of his twin's attentions - it's easy to let his mind go.

But no.

That happened.

He can feel pride swelling in his chest at the compliment - Saeran hadn't said anything like that to him before!

It feels natural, though, to continue his brother's thought, at the end of one last hummed note. "Hmmmmmm~ "

He doesn't just feel playful.

He feels _firlty._

"Yes, my handsome brother...?" Saeran seems to have paused after letting the words slip, staring at Saeyoung's chest.

He really, really can't help himself, and lifts a hand to stroke Saeran's cheek. "I'm lucky..." His fingers drift down his cheek to his neck. "...and so happy..." Finally, he places his hand over Saeran's heart. "...to hear your voice like that..."

**Saeran**

"It's the truth." Embarrassing as it can be to hear himself say it, Saeran doesn't get defensive. His mind and heart feels clear, and now he can truly see Saeyoung for who he is. Like the shower is literally washing any remaining doubt and hatred away.

It's so difficult to imagine he ever thought of his brother as a monster. Especially not when his caress is so tender.

Compelled by the touch, Saeran leans in to press a kiss to Saeyoung's lips. "I'm luckier to have you."

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung leans into the kiss, extending it by a couple more seconds. Saeran's words make him feel even more demonstrative, and he wants to push his brother back against the wall, kissing him deeply, not so much with lust as just raw, explosive affection... but the shower wall would still be cold, and not exactly pleasant to touch.

Maybe another time.

Instead he kisses Saeran on the cheek, the neck, and finally, lifting his palm from his twin's chest, over his heart.

"Careful, flattery will get you kisses... and more kisses... and more kisses...and... then we'll both turn into prunes before I get a chance to wash you." He nuzzles into Saeran's neck. "I wanna wash your back next."

Saeran hasn't exactly finished with him yet, though...

**Saeran**

It's all very romantic... but Saeran is also practical when he needs to be. He pushes Saeyoung back, lathering the soap in the cloth again. "That will happen faster if you behave..." Even if he delighted in the misbehaviour a little himself.

Besides, he enjoys getting to pamper Saeyoung too. Just as demonstrative as his twin is getting, this is Saeran's way of caring for him. After the intensity of... everything that just happened, it's particularly important to do that right.

Finally, he smoothes the cloth along Saeyoung's stomach and down to his hips - then up again, letting the soap make its own trails down Saeyoung's groin and legs. The idea _is_ to get clean. And while exhausted, Saeran isn't sure if either of them could resist the temptation.

Showers sure could be inconvenient like that.

Not to mention, the water makes his hair cling to his face and gets in his eyes - starting to irritate them. Sighing, Saeran pulls away again, just to slick it back.

**Saeyoung**

He's not gonna lie. Saeyoung loves the attention. _And_ Saeran's refusal to cave to his twin's playful obstructions. He likes that, a lot.

It's just going to mean it feels even better when he gets to take that cloth himself...

It doesn't go unnoticed when Saeran meticulously gets the job done without getting too near Saeyoung's groin... His lips curve in another smile.

(Yeah, probably for the best.)

While not that much time has passed, it's already been demonstrated how his limbic system responds to Saeran with only a little stimulation, and he doubts he's more than a few wayward touches away from, at the very least, the beginnings of another hard on, even if it didn't match his earlier level of enthusiasm right away.

And while that doesn't sound... NOT fun...

... this shower feels like another spell... another ritual only for the two of them. Reinforcing the new ways they could be together.

So he behaves himself, more or less, and enjoys the feeling of the feeling of the cloth moving over the rest of his mostly firm, but also just a little soft, body.

Then Saeran smoothes back his hair, and Saeyoung can't help but react with an "Oh~" at the sight. "Suddenly, you give off a while different impression, Saeran," he teases. "Wonder if that slick, cool guy style would work for me, though..."

**Saeran**

"Huh?" The reaction is unexpected and makes Saeran blush. He never really thought he could pull it off... But if he can, then Saeyoung definitely could.

Scoffing, Saeran drops the soap and uses his now free hand to cards Saeyoung's hair back experimentally.

It's takes a bit of fussing - does Saeyoung _ever_ brush his hair, it's full of knots - but eventually Saeran manages to slick his hair back in a similar fashion. "... yeah. I can say for certain, it works."

And it was kind of fun, and nice... to do play with his hair...

Back when he was in That Woman's good graces, he used to brush her hair. It was nice, and peaceful, and strangely therapeutic despite the abuse and wrongness of the power dynamic between them. How servile he was.

In contrast, this was just fun.

Another thing he reclaimed.

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung can practically _feel_ his hair planning rebellion, only the force of the shower water keeping it down. The only other person who'd ever done anything with Saeyoung's hair was Vanderwood, and while the agent had only done it initially out if frustration at his lack of care for maintaining his own appearance when he wasn't on a mission or at an RFA party, Saeyoung had always kind of enjoyed it. Vanderwood's fussing had been the closest thing to domestic life he'd ever experienced.

But when Saeran does it...

... well. He can feel his cheeks flushing a darker shade that has nothing to do with the water temperature.

It feels so...

...welcoming. And accepting. And...

Oh. (I spaced out for a sec)

A weird, pleased self-conscious feeling suddenly washes over him with the water, and he places his hands over Saeran's. "Now it's my turn right? So..." He steps a little closer, craving more of his brother's touch. "I'll wash you..."

**Saeran**

Watching Saeyoung get so blissed out because of his handwork is gratifying. His expression in particular is really something, and Saeran has the urge to kiss him again just as Saeyoung seems to snap out of it. It's a bit disappointing he doesn't get the chance.

There's also the matter of Saeran not being done. He wants to do this longer... He even has a good excuse! Saeyoung's face still needs to be scrubbed, then his hair despite it ruining all of Saeran's work.

Pursing his lips, Saeran shakes his head. Denying Saeyoung again.

That in itself is a sweetness as well. Having Saeyoung subject to his desires and whims... It's exciting.

"Patience, hyung." Without futher ado, he extracts his hands and moves the cloth to Saeyoung's face.

It'll be interesting to see what his twin does next, too.

**Saeyoung**

As children, neither of them had really thrown tantrums. Or complained. Because they already knew it would only result in immediate retribution... retribution that might resurrect again and again, during bad weeks.

But now... Saeyoung lets out a whine. "Saeran-ahhhhhhhh[glub]"

He saw it coming, and had been given plenty of time to shut his mouth, but the spirit of his complaint was far more important to him than not getting a mouthful of soapy water from the cloth now pressed against his forehead.

He did shut his eyes, though.

Unseeing, his hands seek out his brother again, as he makes exaggerated little disgusted noises about the taste of the soap.

It's like magnetism. Or, more to the point. Like finding someone nearly your exact size and build who isn't making any effort to hide & is right...there.

His hands are on Saeran's hips again, and as Saeran pulls his hand back to dampen the cloth some more, Saeyoung swoops in for a soapy kiss, although he does only manage to cover half of Saeran's mouth with his own, the rest on his cheek.

Of course, this only means even _more_ suds are in his mouth than before.

"Pleh!" He turns his head upwards, to wash out his mouth.

(Worth it.)

**Saeran**

Really, Saeran had it coming.

Just as he was starting to laugh at his brother's dilemma, Saeyoung swoops in and kisses him - soap and all.

"Ack!"

It's bitter.

He hatteees it.

"H...hyung!!"

So much so that his voice has gone up a pitch.

THE BETRAYAL.

**Saeyoung**

There's been a lot of sounds his brother had made over the last couple hours that Saeyoung loved, loved, LOVED hearing. But hearing that, in such an indignant tone of voice. It's adorable. He wants more...

Through streams of water, Saeyoung bubbles "What's wrong, my dearest twin?" - and takes a large mouthful of water back with him, eyes now a little open, to plant a watery kiss on Saeran's lips. It certainly washes away the suds, at least.

It also makes Saeran pull an even _more_ indignant face.

**Saeran**

Saeran shoves Saeyoung lightly back under the showerhead and grabs the shampoo, liberally dumping some over Saeyoung's head.

Despite his irritation, Saeran has to admit it's all rather cute - and his anger is largely superficial. The resulting hair wash is not angry, or painful. In fact, it's gentle despite Saeyoung's behaviour. Saeran doesn't _actually_ want to punish his brother anymore...

At least, not in a way that's meaningful.

He has other methods.

"After this, how about I just wash myself."

**Saeyoung**

"NOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo...!"

What a threat.

He wouldn't...

He wouldn't...!

He wouldn't, right?!

"Saaaaaaaaaerannnnn-ahhhhhhhhhhh!!"

 

He blinks as suds make it into his eyes again. "Don't tease your older brother like this, he's a weak and sensitive person you know~"

Saeyoung splashes himself with more water and clears his vision. The tiles probably aren't so cold, now...

He presses a hand to the wall on each of Saeran's sides, then presses his mouth against Saeran's again, this time free of water and soap, although there's still a bit of an aftertaste.

He separates and gives his brother his best golden puppy dog eyes. "I'll do anything~ Just let me have a go~"

And, because he can't resist, and also because of what an entertaining contrast it makes with his possessive gesture, he puts on his best maid voice: "Master~"

**Saeran**

"Who knew my brother would turn out like this..."

Seriously. Saeran certainly never guessed, until he discovered what Saeyoung got up to with the RFA.

Though, he always was the more adventurous one... And Saeran was always weak to his twin's persuasion attempts.

... though Saeyoung's silliness does ruin the effect a little. "You just can't hold back anymore, can you?" he wonders. It's as if some sort of dam had burst through every little crack in Saeyoung's boundaries, and now Saeran was left drowning in affection.

To be fair, he asked - no, demanded it. Practically broke those boundaries down with a sledgehammer, much like Saeyoung had done to his. Without realizing it, Saeran is smiling. They've gone crazy for each other. Driven mad by their desires.

"How troubling..."

He isn't troubled at all.

"As much as I'd like to let you do as you please, first..." Lifting his hands up to smooth back Saeyoung's hair again, Saeran drops them to his brother's shoulders once done. "There. I'm finished."

**Saeyoung**

Saeyoung eases back, his twin's nonchalant responses just endearing him more.

(Maybe he could do anything, and I'd just keep loving him more. It's like I've started running down a hill... it's hard not to keep gaining speed...)

"Troubling?" he repeats back to his brother. "Here I was expecting you to call me 'trouble _some_... you really are kind!'"

His lazy smile, the kind he gets after feeling satisfied with a particularly silly routine, shines a lot more than he realises, as he drops his arms to his sides once more and raises an eyebrow at his brother's expression. Saeyoung chuckles. "I'll take it." And retrieves the cloth and soap.

Unlike his twin, he starts with Saeran's shoulders, a surprising look of concentration coming over his face. "Hmm... I think you've got some tension here... I can help you with that later. I get knots there, too..."

Then, soap and cloth in one hand, he takes Saeran's left hand in his own, staring down at their fingers. "But first."

And he raises their entwined hands so that Saeran's arm is lifted out in front of him, and Saeyoung slides the cloth down the length of his brother's arm, taking his sweet time with it, too. Once the suds are washed off, he lifts the arm higher, kissing the back of Saeran's hand gently, before returning it to his side and starting on the next...

**Saeran**

The mood shift is sudden, with the whole act unexpectedly soft and serious. Saeran's heart flutters., and he watches Saeyoung with wide-eyed reverence.

He... never really thought to touch Saeyoung like this, meaning imbued in every caress.

(First time for everything...)

Literally. Each and every touch is a new learning experience. The offer to massage Saeran's shoulders was just as new too.

He's never gotten a massage before... The promise of it makes him a little impatient, squirming slightly.

**Saeyoung**

Enjoying his brother's reactions, Saeyoung presses his lips against the other hand, completing Step One.

Step Two...

...he draws lazy circles over his brother's chest with the cloth, continuing his look of careful concentration. But then a devious smile _does_ begin to work its way into his face as he reaches his brother's hips.

(But look, I'm behaving...) he seems to say with his eyes along, as instead of going lower, he lets his hands trail around behind Saeran to wrap him in a loose embrace - and continue washing him.

(But...) Saeyoung thinks, (only the bare minimum of behaving...) as he takes the opportunity to plant a few more kisses along Saeran's collarbone.

As Saeyoung's hands trace circles higher and higher, his kisses rise too, but just as he reaches Saeran's mouth, instead he hovers a moment, then just leaves a ghost of a kiss behind - blink and you'd miss it.

(I'm already wanting too much again... gotta slow myself down a sec...)

So he takes a second to compose himself, before gently dabbing at Saeran's face, careful to keep suds from his eyes.

**Saeran**

Drowsy...

Despite the restlessness brought on by Saeyoung's ministrations, Saerean finds himself getting sleepier. Part of it is the hot water, the fact they already have done a lot... The other is he simply feels safe and looked after like this.

So he blinks. Missing the near kiss, closing his eyes for a long moment.

Ah... he needs to...

Saeran yawns.

Never before has he craved a nap this much.

Somehow, he feels that maybe he won't even dream like this.

The cloth on his cheek feels just right too, and Saeran leans his cheek into Saeyoung's touch. He knows Saeyoung is pushing the line of behaving, he _knows,_ but...

That's fine. He'll leave himself in his brother's hands.

**Saeyoung**

It's impossible not to echo his brother's yawn. (C-cute!!) He hasn't seen his brother like this since they were children. And it was never that peaceful. Just tired.

(I wonder if I can still carry him...?)

Probably not the best place or time to try, though.

Saeyoung keeps a steadying hand on his brother as he washes his hair, worried he'll suddenly totally zone out, slip and crack his head on a tile or something.

(He used to go from zero to sleepy rapidly as a kid, too) He resumes his earlier humming, washing out the shampoo as quickly as he can, all thoughts of teasing gone when his twin is giving him such a dopey looking expression.

(Only Saeran could look cute like that...)

He ducks out of the shower to grab towels with one hand before turning off the water - minimal cold air time.

Saeran towels himself absently, and Saeyoung, already finished, winds up running his own towel over his brother's hair...

(I used to do that, too...)

"Come on," he says at last, taking Saeran's hand. "You can come sleep with me tonigh... today." It’s past midnight, after all.


	9. You forget. I am a man of religion.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins wind up the night with an RFA chat.
> 
> This is the final chapter of this plot arc - however, we've already posted the first chapter of the plot arc following directly on from this one - in which Saeran requires Saeyoung to _prove_ he's serious about his twin.

**Saeran**

The smell of Saeyoung's room hits Saeran as soon as he enters, but it's not unpleasant. It just smells of his brother.

Funny how he was running from that just yesterday.

He never would have contemplated entering Saeyoung's room before too.

Had that much time really passed?

...had so little of it?

More awake than he was, it occurs to Saeran that it must have been a few hours since either of them entered the RFA chatrooms... and Saeyoung had been calling around when Saeran had left in his car...

The other members might be worried. Not so much about him, but Saeyoung at least.

"Are you going to check your phone?" It's an offer, if Saeyoung needs to. Besides, he's curious about the space that's entirely his brother's. Kinda wants to investigate. He was never barred from this room, per se, but until now it was a place he didn't let himself into.

**Saeyoung**

"Hmm..." Saeran has a point. At the very least, Saeyoung should probably text Zen to let him know everything was okay. Knowing Zen... he might have stayed up worrying...

"Well... I should probably check in."

He plants a kiss on Saeran's cheek. "I'll be back soon. Anything in the drawers is clean, if you get cold and want to wear something..." Saeyoung for his part, is still overheating from the shower, so he doesn't throw on anything.

Time for Naked Chatting™

He heads to the computer he'd been tracking Saeran on hours earlier to scoop up his phone. Ah. A missed call and worried message from Zen. (Thank you for thinking of me) He texts Zen back.

> > Good news, meow~ The angel returned home safe and sound, wings intact! Mission clear!

He checks the messenger, surprised to see Jumin logged in.

...

 ...

...

He's curious.

> [707 has entered the chatroom]
> 
> Jumin Han: Luciel. I see Zen worried for you.
> 
> [ZEN has entered the chat room]
> 
> 707: Oh~?
> 
> 707: Zen, I felt your care all the way from here!
> 
> ZEN: I'm glad things worked out,
> 
> ZEN: but can you not meow when you text me??
> 
> [Unhappy Zen emoji]
> 
> Jumin Han: Elizabeth 3rd's meows are particularly pleasant this morning.
> 
> ZEN: GOD!!

They chat for a few minutes, Saeyoung reassuring them that all his missed calls to other members had just been some early morning sentiment... everything was fine. 

> ZEN: And your brother is home again, right?
> 
> 707: Yes...
> 
> 707: He's home
> 
> [707 love emoji]
> 
> Jumin Han: That's good. You two should be together.
> 
> 707: ^^
> 
> 707: You're right!

Zen must have referenced their phone call in another chat... he'll have to read it later...

> ZEN: I feel like you two needed something like that, you know?
> 
> ZEN: You both care about each other...
> 
> ZEN: It's still amazing you were able to reconcile...
> 
> ZEN: Just. Your bond must be something really special, to have made it this far...
> 
> 707: Is this a compliment? Blushing~
> 
> Jumin Han: Perhaps being identical twins, they can understand each other better than a regular family.
> 
> Jumin Han: Perhaps a spiritual link.
> 
> ZEN:...
> 
> ZEN: It feels weird seeing you talk about something like that.
> 
> ZEN: lmao
> 
> ZEN: Are you going to drop your ceo-in-line position to become a priest?
> 
> Jumin Han: You forget. I am a man of religion.
> 
> ZEN: Right;;

The three of them chat a little longer, until,

> Jumin Han: Ah, she's awake.
> 
> [Jumin Han has left the chat room]
> 
> ZEN: Can't say he's not dedicated;;;
> 
> 707: His hobby list...
> 
> 707: ...is, after all...
> 
> ZEN: ...just three things, lmao
> 
> ZEN: but I only like one of those, so let's not talk about it;;
> 
> 707: lololol
> 
> ZEN: ...so you're really okay? Right?
> 
> 707: Yeah.
> 
> 707: Thanks
> 
> 707: for worrying about us!
> 
> 707: It's you:
> 
> 707: ☆
> 
> ZEN: isn't that Yoosung lol
> 
> 707: Nah
> 
> 707: He's a different star!

He wraps things up, and leaves the chat room. He misses Saeran already...

**Saeran**

There's only one word to describe what Seven comes back to: Boyfriend shirt. (Brofriend shirt?) Saeran has opted to wear something after all, and it's a little too big for his frame but looks immensely comfortable.

He's also done some snooping because he's found a book and taken to flicking through it while lounging on Saeyoung's bed.

Wait...

Is that...

It _is._

ESSENTIAL PLAYBOY VOLUME 3.

How did he even find that?! Where was it?! The answer is, of course: twinsense.

Looking up when Saeyoung returns and utterly shameless, Saeran gives Saeyoung a long look - eyes traveling up and down his body.

"I wonder if the RFA knows you sometimes talk to them naked..."

They would freak. It would be hilarious.

**Saeyoung**

It's a lot to take in.

His brother... wearing his shirt...

> **System: 707 heart fullness +30**
> 
> **System: Error! 707 heart fullness already at maximum!!**

Sitting cross-legged on his bed...

> **System: 707 heart fullness +10**
> 
> **System: Error! 707 hear-**

...r-reading a copy of...

> **System: 707 Flustered % +10**

And then that long, shameless up-and-down stare...

> **System: 707 Flustered % +20**
> 
> **System: 707 Willpower -10**

And then the kicker.

(Tell the RFA about my naked chatting, huh...?)

> **System: 707 Flustered % +2**
> 
> **System: 707 Impishness +30**

"I think I can predict where that would go, though..."

Saeyoung leans in the doorway with one arm, determined to ride the naked train a little longer BECAUSE THERE ARE WAYS THESE THINGS ARE DONE. He rattles off a list of system prompts like he's reading from a screen:

> [User Jaehee has logged off in disapproval]
> 
> [User Yoosung★ has logged off in disgust]
> 
> [User ZEN has logged off in confusion]
> 
> Jumin Han: Is that unusual?
> 
> [User MC has logged off to take photographic evidence of user Jumin Han]

He grins at Saeran. "...am I right? But..." Now he steps into the room, eyeing Saeran affectionately, "I bet they'd think it was adorable if they knew you were wearing my shirts... heh."

He nudges the drawer just past the bedroom door to pull out a pair of boxers.

They have a cat-no-banana pattern on them, because, of course they do. "They might do a double take over the reading material though," he smirks, stepping delicately into the underwear.

**Saeran**

Most of the reactions are on point, but... "Aren't you just projecting?" There's no way they'd find Saeran wearing his brother's shirt cute. That was all his brother, and Saeran caught the change in Saeyoung's expressions as he processed just what he was looking at.

As for the book itself... "I was curious... I can tell you've read it a lot."

**Saeyoung**

"Maybe..." Saeyoung admits, reaching the end of the bed. He leans down, hands on the bed, so that he's at Saeran's eye level. "But I don't think so. They're all curious. And they all are interested in you. They're all quietly supporting you, too... that's how the RFA works..."

He sits down on the bed, on top of the blankets, stretching out his feet so that his toes come into contact with Saeran's feet. "I hope you'll be able to enjoy chatting with them more in time... although... I've... really enjoyed just spending time alone with you...so... don't... feel like you gotta... rush that part... haha."

Embarrassed by the... somewhat possessive feeling the thought of the RFA all openly embracing Saeran has brought out, he turns his attention to the book.

Which. Is also embarrassing. Damn.

"Uh..." Saeyoung colours just a little. "And that book is uh... well..." He'd quoted it enough times in the chat room without shame (in fact, with glee) but it's a bit different when your own twin is looking at you from over the top of the cover.

With that... expression. On his face.

"I wouldn't say I'm across a lot about relationships myself so I... and I mean... it was also... enjoyable... to learn about... never thought I'd get opportunities to put much of it into practice though."

He might have been with people before, but. It'd never been. Anything like this. And there generally hadn't been repeat performances. "Maybe now... I might be particularly grateful I own the series." The volume number has already outed him, might as well admit to the lot while he's at it.

**Saeran**

On the topic of the RFA, Saeran glances away. They're... nice. It doesn't change the fact he had tried to destroy them. Or that they're concerned for him because he's Saeyoung's brother. Frankly, it's chafing. Then again, so was Saeyoung for a long time, but now look.

But that's different too. Their reconciliation is still new, and their identities are so tied up with one another that any feelings for one another can't be helped. Saeran knows. He tried.

So, he's happy to take his time with Saeyoung, and Saeyoung only for now.

It's a relief when the topic turns back to the subject of the book. Turning his gaze back to his twin, Saeran raises his eyebrows at the admission. "...is that a hint?"

**Saeyoung**

"A-a hint?" Saeyoung colours further. "I..." There's so many ways he could interpret what Saeran is saying right now. And his twin seems to be keeping his thoughts carefully circumspect, once more.

(I know I'm being played, but I can't help it, I can't not let him play me... I'm weak... to that voice...)

 "I mean... there's some things... we... haha..."

 (How has he got me like this so EASILY??)

"...if you wanted... haha..."

**Saeran**

There's a twinkle in Saeran's eye that betrays how much he's enjoying this. (Really... Too cute.)

"What I want..." Saeran ponders, closing the book. There's a lot of things he wants. Not all of them sexy.

For instance, it'd be nice to actually lie down and nap with Saeyoung...

Sleepiness still threatens at the corners of his eyes.

... lazing around sounds nicer the more he thinks about it...

It just conflicts with the fact that he doesn't want to pass up this opportunity, unable to entirely trust this isn't just a fleeting moment.

No matter how much Saeyoung might reassure him, no matter how much Saeran berates himself and knows better, that sort of hyper-vigilant feeling... might just stay with him forever. Expecting anything will only lead to pain. So he has to treasure what he has now.

What to do, what to do... Come to think of it... "Ah... didn't you say something about a massage?" It's a good a place as any to start, and doesn't require much moving. Probably.

**Saeyoung**

"O-oh..." Saeyoung is a little relieved at the re-direction. His shoulders, which had started to creep up towards his ears, relax a little. He... wants to do a lot of things, but... it was beginning to be a little overwhelming... when his brother started down that path... with that look on his face.

Like he could just... eat Saeyoung in a single bite. And Saeyoung would let him do it. No question. But then Saeran stretches and puts the book down, and suggests a massage...

"I'd like that..." He rubs at his face a little, and then gets unto his hands and knees, moving to Saeran's side and dropping down onto the pillow next to him. Feeling a little less in the spotlight now, some of his impishness returns. "And if you get too tired, and need a bedtime story, I guess I can just read that book to you~" Then he pats at the space in front of himself. "You can come sit on my lap, I can work on your shoulders like that... oh, or lying down. But you'll have to turn your head, which might be uncomfortable..."

**Saeran**

Saeran doesn't miss how Saeyoung relaxes in relief, and feels a little guilty - it really was getting too intense, whether or not Saeran actually intended to act on it. The way they escalate things with one another might be a problem.

Which is why Saeran opts to roll his eyes at Saeyoung's bedtime story suggestion, dropping the book over the bedside and rolling to lie on his stomach. Sitting his twin's lap is a little too much to ask as well. "This is fine..."

**Saeyoung**

It's a shame... he was kinda looking forward to holding Saeran...

...although given the underlying feelings in Saeyoung right now...

...maybe it's better to not just... have his brother sit...

...there...

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

(b...but...)

Another time.

They have all the time they need now, right? He sends a wish, as loudly as he can to the heavens.

(Please...)

(Let this be forever...)

(Let me stay by his side forever...)

Still. This way has its charms too... he reflects...

...as he straddles his brother, looking down at his twin's body laid out before him. It's... a pleasant view...

(Ahem) (Focus on the work at hand.)

Saeyoung, unsurprisingly, has very tight shoulders himself. When he wasn't able to beg Vanderwood into helping, he'd gotten very good at targeting and working on his sorest points with foam rollers, balls... He always had to keep his body prepared as an agent, even if his main duties were hacking.

The locations of Saeran's knots seem to be... "...really... just the same..." he mutters to himself, as he presses the flat of his hand into one troublesome area and rocks it, loosening the muscle in preparation for a deeper approach. "...all the same places as me..."

**Saeran**

Saeran wants to say it's because he also spent all his time hacking too. It's no wonder. What comes out is a deep moan, just as Saeyoung's hands hit a particular tension point. Ah... it hurts a little, but... the release is so worth it.

"Yes..." He manages once it eases, "There's good." It isn't meant to sound sexual, or sensual, or any of that. It's just his brother's touch really is magic.

**Saeyoung**

At the first moan, Saeyoung realises with a start that not having his brother sit in his lap was a very very good idea. Because damn if he isn't going to struggle to keep his mind in a harmonious and non-sexual place after that.

He's already starting to... especially after that conversation about the book...

FOCUS.

He leans into Saeran's shoulder again, thinking about icebergs.

He kneads to the inside of his twins shoulder blade, thinking about boring missions.

He rubs up his brother's back, thinking about writing the dullest looping code he can imagine.

 It's... just barely keeping him from getting aroused by those moans.

He can't say it isn't a fun game. He just hopes he can win it.

**Saeran**

"Nnh... haa..." The difficulty is set pretty high. What makes it worse is that Saeran isn't self-conscious at all, completely unaware of the effect the sounds are having. Though he's not aware of much at all, just focusing on how soothing it all is, totally zoning out...

Letting his thoughts drift without a care...

When was the last time he did that? Never, Saeran reflects briefly, then lets that thought go without an issue. Life had always been full of anxiety and fear, and being alone with his thoughts was never good... until now.

**Saeyoung**

He's making good progress... Although he's definitely going to need to do this with Saeran a few more times to get some of those knots to behave longer term... And probably have a regular session to keep things in check...

(God. Will hearing those vocalisations get any easier?)

Either way, it feels good to know he can make Saeran feel this way. That he can be someone who Saeran can relax like this around, even after everything that happened between them. And Saeran certainly seems to have already loosened up a little, judging by the feel of his body and the tone of his, uh moaning [eye twitch]

It's… fine… besides… he gets to look at this beautiful, handsome back...

"my handsome brother..." he says under his breath, echoing Saeran's earlier sentiment, pressing his knuckles into one of the last remaining trouble spots. After this, he can probably just give him some relaxation rubbing...

maybe a little release for his legs, too, if he can trust himself kneading Saeran's butt...

...he can, right...?

He exhales softly.

(Of course I can. I can do anything, if it's for him.)

**Saeran**

"Mm...?" Saeyoung said something? Saeran was drifting off, head buried in his arms, so he wasn't exactly paying attention. Could it be this was over...? His shoulders and neck already feel so much more loose, it has to be.

Lifting himself up slightly, Saeran looks over his shoulder and smiles lazily at Saeyoung. He could definitely do that again... and again, for as much as Saeyoung was willing to. "You really are talented." It's a shame that Saeran can't return the favour. He'd need to learn.

Just as it feels good to have Saeyoung care for him, he wants to be able to do the same. If it can't be in the same way, then... he'll find something only he can do. Cooking, maybe? He always wanted to make meals for someone special, and Saeyoung wasn't exactly great at it.

Like a flower, Saeran wants to tend to his brother with love in order to truly see him bloom. Too long have both of them gone without such care, that they had shrivelled up inside. Still, nature always finds a way to make a comeback. There was no destroying their very essence.

Of course, sometimes caring for someone means letting them rest. And it'll be nice just to sleep together... entwine their bodies and enjoy each other's warmth... as long as they're touching each other...

Saeran twists himself around, reaching a hand out to gently brush Saeyoung's cheek. "Wanna go to sleep? It's fine if you do, as long as you hold me..."

**Saeyoung**

Saeran's smile sends the conflict his moans brought straight out of Saeyoung's mind. Instead it feels like his heart is about to burst out of his chest and embed itself in the far wall.

(He really has no idea how charming he is, I guess...)

"We'll have to do it again another time... it'll last longer the more we do it. I'm happy I could help..." Then he pulls his brother into a hug. "And I can't imagine an honour greater than being able to hold you while you sleep... Saeran..."

He turns his head to kiss his brother's cheek. He's already kissed Saeran so many times today. But. He can't help it. He just keeps feeling so romantic. How can he not? When he's... him.

**Saeran**

"'Honour'?" It's no such thing. In fact, Saeran really preferred it wasn't considered that way at all. Too reminiscent of the exaltation one felt in Mint Eye when the Saviour allowed even the slightest privilege. "No, it's not."

He wouldn't even call it a gift. Frowning slightly, Saeran pulls Saeyoung back down with him into the bed, getting comfortable. "It's an indulgence..."

And like the most decadent slice of cake, he wants to savour every part of Saeyoung he can.

Catching Saeyoung's lips, Saeran allows himself delight in kissing his brother intently, driving his point home. He really can't get enough of this... Saeyoung spoils him rotten. "I should be thanking you for treating me."

**Saeyoung**

Being pulled down into bed to sleep... next to Saeran.

(I'm gonna cry again if I'm not careful)

"If this is what you'd call me treating you, then..." Saeyoung kisses Saeran again, with as much intention and energy as the kiss Saeran just gave him. "Then I hope you'll let me treat you many, many more times."

Snuggling up next to him in the bedsheets, letting Saeran's leg find its position between his own, just like it used to...

 ...yet another taste of something like heaven...

...maybe even better than heaven...

Saeran's head rests in the crook of his shoulder, and Saeyoung strokes his hair... just like he used to. But, of course, he adds something from now to the mix. Something they didn't do... at least, not like this: and kisses Saeran's forehead, pressing his lips against it softly while he continues to stroke his hair. He's not too sleepy yet, but honestly, he kind of wants to feel his brother fall asleep in his arms... the reverse of what happened less than half a day ago...

Then, maybe, he can let himself nap a little.

**Saeran**

"Alright..." Saeran wasn't going to complain. Like that, they come full circle. All this started when Saeyoung joined Saeran napping on the couch after all. This time, Saeran can finally allow himself to sink into his brother's body, inhaling deeply the scent of it.

Rather than put him on edge, it adds to the calmness of Saeran's heart. He sighs happily, and gradually begins to doze off.

**Saeyoung**

It's like a melody only he could hear just grew softer. Maybe there is something to that whole 'psychic twins' thing. Because even before he hears Saeran's breathing slow, he senses his brother slip away from consciousness. It's like having a cat fall asleep on you.

A beautiful creature with fangs and claws, that has, somehow, decided you are trustworthy and acceptable company. And then curls up, trusting in your lap.

He doesn't want to move, although it seems like Saeran has already slipped into a deep sleep.

Trusting... Yeah...

Hard not to cry again, looking at Saeran like this.

His peaceful expression is different to the one he had before on the couch.

(God. I'm so happy.)

(I'll never take this for granted. I promise.)

He watches for a long time, until, eventually, his eyes close too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! The first chapter of the story which follows on chronologically from this one is already posted - [Hook, line and choker!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377569/chapters/33195609)


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